Your 2026 Oscars Drinking Game

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Well, folks, it’s nearly Oscars time again. The telecast will begin this Sunday at 7pm/4pm Easter/Pacific, on ABC and Hulu, with Conan O’Brien returning as host.

If you ask me, March 15th seems way too late in the year to hold the Oscars. It’s certainly not the latest they’ve ever been held (2021 and 1988’s ceremonies didn’t happen until April), but it seems too late for the modern era. Maybe it’s just the rapid cycling of bad news lately that makes it seem so, but it feels like the discourse is done with prior-year introspection by late February these days. First week of March at the latest. The Oscars? I got my dang tomatoes in the ground already!

Yes, I am that old. And still writing an Oscars drinking game. Inertia is a bitch, man. Hey, it’s either this or admit that I’ve wasted my life.

The Presenters

Rose Byrne, Nicole Kidman, Jimmy Kimmel, Delroy Lindo, Ewan McGregor, Wagner Moura, Pedro Pascal, Bill Pullman, Lewis Pullman, Channing Tatum and Sigourney Weaver, Will Arnett, Adrien Brody, Javier Bardem, Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Kieran Culkin, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Anne Hathaway, Chase Infiniti, Mikey Madison, Paul Mescal, Demi Moore, Kumail Nanjiani, Gwyneth Paltrow, Maya Rudolph and Zoe Saldaña.

How the hell did Priyanka Chopra get in there? She was in two movies last year: A Very Jonas Christmas Movie and Heads of State, a Prime Original with John Cena and Idris Elba. Must have an incredible publicist. True, Kumail Nanjiani wasn’t in many high-profile projects last year either, but 1. I met him once and he was very nice, and 2. He’s Kingo. Once one has been Kingo, one doesn’t simply stop being Kingo.

The other big news year is that, for the first time since 2003, the ceremony coincides with the US starting a new war in the Middle East. And unlike in 2003, when Michael Moore got booed for speaking against it during his acceptance speech, this one is already broadly unpopular. Big stuff like that tends to overshadow the petty conflicts that really make the Oscars sing. (Anyone remember anything else that happened at the 2003 Oscars? Wikipedia tells me that Steve Martin hosted, and Chicago won best picture). Shame, since this was otherwise shaping up as a big One Battle After Another vs. Sinners showdown, a la Moonlight/La La Land in 2017.

Conan O’Brien did a pretty solid job of hosting last year, but this year he definitely has his work cut out for him. He did get Matt Berry from What We Do In The Shadows on as the official announcer, which is nice.

Otherwise Conan has a big, unpopular war overshadowing everything, and the only obvious joke material to work with is a Tourette’s controversy and Timothee Chalamet pissing off the opera singers and ballet dancers by saying he didn’t want cinema to turn into opera or ballet (sidenote: Chalamet was right!).

Anyway, uh… good luck, Conan.

The Awards!

I shared most of my should win/will win thoughts on the awards a while back when the nominations were released, but to briefly update: the various best actor controversies involving Chalamet and Michael B. Jordan obscure a basic truth, which is that Joaquin Phoenix should’ve been nominated for Eddington.

Meanwhile, we seem to have reached a critical mass of commentators agreeing that Hamnet is boring, and that Rose Byrne should win best actress going away for her absolute all-timer of a performance in If I Had Legs I’d Kick You (or as I like to think of it, Beau is Afraid for Moms). This over the favorite, Jessie Buckley in Hamnet. I agree with that sentiment and said so early on, though it hurts me to say so because I would walk into traffic for Jessie Buckley. Also, Jennifer Lawrence should’ve been nominated for Die My Love (more interesting performance than either Renate Reinsve in Sentimental Value or Kate Hudson in Song Sung Blue, though I was surprised how well Kate Hudson can sing).

Supporting actor is interesting, because it’s heavy hitters all the way through. My vote goes to Sean Penn, since his role in One Battle After Another was easily the most instantly memorable one of the year. Of course, Sean Penn is no one’s idea of a sentimental favorite, and Benicio Del Toro had a sneakily brilliant performance in the same movie. The oddsmakers currently have it Penn (-320), followed by Stellan Skarsgard (+430), and Delroy Lindo (+750). Lindo is probably the sentimental favorite. It feels like a pick ‘em to me. I wouldn’t be too sad about any of them winning, except for Jacob Elordi for Frankenstein. Great actor, but come on. That movie was ass.

The Drinking Game

The Basics

A drink is… a drink. Maybe it’s a gulp, maybe it’s “a finger.” Just be consistent. Probably go with beer, don’t hurt yourselves.

Serious Topics

Reference to “conflict,” “war,” “bombing,” or “the Middle East,” that’s one drink.

“Iran” specifically? That’s two drinks.

WILDCARD: “Greenland” or “Venezuela,” finish your drink.

Many more options in this category, but the rest depress me too much.

Joke Topics

“Opera” or “ballet,” one drink.

WATERFALLS:

• If there is a Tourette’s-based bit, start drinking and don’t stop until it’s over.
• Ditto any bit based on the Trump cabinet members’ ill-fitting shoes.

It doesn’t feel great trying to write jokes about an illegal war and the bombing of a girl’s school. But gas prices? Open season. If anyone mentions gas prices, last person to shout “Hormuz!” has to finish their drink.

WILDCARDS - finish your drink for mention of:

• Pete Hegseth
• Amanda Seyfried’s prosthetic butthole.

Just Because

At any mention of Timothee Chalamet, you must shout “Chalamaaay” Adam Sandler-style. Last person to say it has to drink.

Perennial Rules (I’m bringing them back!)

A winner cries during their acceptance speech? One drink.

A winner thanks God during their acceptance speech? Two drinks.

The “wrap it up” music starts during an acceptance speech? Drink until the speaker finishes speaking.

“So brave” rule: If a winner calls any other artist “brave” or speaks of “the brave men and women of…”, everyone has to shout “SO, SO BRAVE!” and the last one to do so must drink.

“My wife” rule. If a winner thanks “my wife,” the last person to Borat voice “MAH WAHFE” has to finish their drink. Ditto for my husband, my spouse, or my partner. MAH SPOUSE!

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