Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 9: 30-Odd Foot of Dooks

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Is it just me or did this week’s episode of Top Chef feel anti-climactic? Maybe it was that, for the first time in weeks, we didn’t have any weird endings, or lingering rope swing injury drama. Not even a little Bell’s Palsy. No Bell’s? No Bell’s, Jerry! My kingdom for some facial numbness!

Or, maybe it was that at the beginning of the show, Kristen Kish announced that the gang would be moving from Charlotte, NC to Greenville, SC (hence why this is Top Chef: Carolinas and not Top Chef: Charlotte) and then the whole episode took place inside one restaurant. It’s like we were promised a trip to a new place but then never got to leave the hotel lobby. Is this purgatory? Someone in the comments said another episode this season felt like a “bottle episode.” I don’t know that I agreed then, but this episode really felt like a bottle episode.

So, top of the episode.

Kristen announces that the winner of Last Chance Kitchen will soon be rejoining the competition. Meaning: one more competitor, and no more second chances if you’re eliminated (allegedly!).

Speaking of anti-climactic… this year’s Last Chance Kitchen.

This year’s Last Chance Kitchen changes seemed good at first, or at least bold. Not packing in any additional competitors, not starting until week three, and having the winner rejoin the competition in week nine. Refreshingly straightforward! No twists! But then Jennifer’s rope swing-induced Bell’s Palsy swung in and took a fat shit on everything (so to speak). We got one non-binding episode of LCK, one eliminated competitor who never competed (Sieger), and one challenge (the three-word improv challenge) that just kind of sucked and wasted a full episode (is someone out there actually enjoyed chefs trying to create a dish that evoked “glamorous,” “alien,” and “whipped,” speak up now). That’s three out of six episodes that weren’t good. 50%! I award you an F!

Anyway. Other top-of-episode announcements included: this week’s sponsor: Duke’s Mayo!

“Duke’s Mayonnaise contains more egg yolks than other mayonnaise products and no added sugar. It also uses apple cider vinegar in place of distilled white vinegar. The combination apple cider vinegar and absence of added sugar give the mayonnaise its signature flavor which the brand proudly markets: “It’s Got Twang!” [Wikipedia]

In lieu of forcing Kristen Kish to read too much ad copy (which she does so well that I sometimes wonder if she’s an android with the “poise” knob cranked to the limit), she introduced this week’s guest judge: Shuai Wang! Not only has he been interviewed on this very newsletter, Shuai has a Duke’s Mayo tattoo. “Just to show that I have Duke’s mayo running through my veins,” Shuai said, which used to be the cruel ending to a Yo Momma So Fat joke, but Shuai’s reclaiming it.

Meanwhile, the show whiffed hard on the obvious tie-in slogan: We’ve Got Wang!

After that, the challenge was introduced: a welcome dinner party. The chefs had to write down what they’d be bringing, so that the food would be cohesive with no overlapping dishes (far more organized than any of my dinner parties). The producers tried to liven things up with a giant notepad. “Why’d the notepad have to be so big? That was kind of pointless,” quipped Kristen.

Gee, I don’t know, Kristen, maybe so that the viewers could read it? Rare L for the Kishmeister.

The Quickfire Challenge: appetizers, that celebrate Duke’s Mayo. Kristen referred to them as “tray pass apps,” a phrase I’ve never heard before, but which seems pretty self-explanatory.

The Elimination Challenge: Everyone chooses a category, from: Raw, Salad, Soup, Seafood, Grain, Poultry, Red Meat, Dessert. They would cook at the same time, with the only real “twist” that the later dishes would get more time.

For reasons somewhat unclear, the show chose to present the Quickfire winners at the end of the episode, right before the Elimination Challenge winners. Personally? Do not like! My body craves the structure of a Quickfire Challenge in first act/Elimination Challenge in last act format. Plus, the bifurcated structure offers more space for nitpicky judge bitching, which is really the heart and soul of this show. I hope we get back to basics next episode (only five more!) and have Tom Colicchio behead one of the contestants with a scimitar over a broken beurre blanc.

Probably the best moment of the episode was during judges table, when everyone was saying how full they were, with Shuai piping up “I did have my share of Duke’s,” at which Duyen immediately snort-laughed.

Wow, attractive, good at cooking, and appreciates a good “dook” joke? Someone wife that girl up like yesterday. I did have my share of dooks…

Neither here nor there, but every few weeks my friend Bret will just text me a picture of Sir Anthony Hopkins, along with the caption “A hot dook.”

Thanks to him, I can’t think of a dook without thinking of Sir Anthony Hopkins. If Anthony Hopkins ever gets on Cameo I’m going to pay him to say “a hot dook.”

Results:

Quickfire Top: Anthony*, Oscar, Johnathan.

Elimination Top: Johnathan, Laurence*.

Elimination Bottom: Oscar**, Rhoda.

(*Winner. **Eliminated.)

Power Rankings (Change from Last Week)

8. (-3) Oscar

AKA: Twice In Legal Minute?! DJ Buenos Diaz. Milky. 311.

Ranking History: 5 6 5 5 4 6 3 7.

Notable Quote: “You gotta keep your jug half full so you can keep your cup half full.”

I have to hand it to Oscar for coming up with a malapropism somehow even more baffling than Sherry’s “praying for the best, hoping for the worst.” If anyone can figure out that jug quote, please let me know. Is it some kind of jug that only pours if it’s half full? Please help me, my family is starving (and thirsty! for jug liquid!).

Anyway, I feel like I’ve spent this entire season watching Oscar cook some of the best-looking food of the competition, but also sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop on account of him having the personality and general demeanor of the guy who comes out to tell you that the ice cream machine is broken. He kind of always seemed sheepish and apologetic (in a stoner-who-overslept kind of way) even when he was almost winning. “Oscar” even sounds like the perfect name for a guy who’s always screwing up but you love him anyway. It’s like he came out of the womb with palms upraised as if to say “Ay, whaddyagonna do?”

That came to full fruition this week, when Oscar went from nearly winning the Quickfire (with a pimento cheese tostone, which managed to win over a whole crew of South Carolina locals who probably couldn’t even pronounce “tostone”) to a botched sancocho* that every judge somehow found something different to criticize about:

Kristen: There shouldn’t have been rice in that dish!

Gail: …and the rice was bad!

Tom: The meat was bad too!

Carl Sobocinski: …and there were too many ingredients!

Did I mention Oscar was also covered in turmeric that he’d spilled on himself at the time?

Ay, whaddya gonna do?

Poor Oscar. He may not have won the competition, but he won my heart.

I also think he sort of got a raw deal this week. It may not have worked out, but he clearly did way more than Rhoda. Is a busy dish with lots of subpar elements better than a half-assed one with only a couple major subpar elements? As an ADHD kid who tends towards the busier kinds of screwups (ie, these posts), I say yes.

*“Sancocho is a hearty, traditional stew from Latin America and the Caribbean, known for its rich broth, large chunks of meat (like beef, chicken, and pork), and starchy root vegetables such as yuca, plantains, and corn. Originating from Spanish cocido, it blends African, Indigenous, and Hispanic influences, with each country having its own variation, often served with rice and avocado.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Short Rib Sancocho with yuca, butternut squash, carrots and Rice.

Reviews: “It was not my favorite.” “For me the rice is kind of muting everything.” “There’s something in there that’s bitter.” “It’s all turmeric.”

7. (even) Sieger Bayer

AKA: The Silver Bullet. SEO. Hansel. Spade. Veruca Salt.

Ranking History: 7 10 7 8 11 11 8.

I really thought Sieger was destined for the bottom this week, after an appetizer (crab gribiche) that everyone hated. “I don’t like it at all.” “It’s also grainy,” raved the judges.

Gribiche, FYI: “…a classic French cold egg sauce, similar to a chunky mayonnaise or tartar sauce, made from emulsified hard-boiled egg yolks, Dijon mustard, and oil, mixed with chopped capers, cornichons (mini pickles), and fresh herbs like parsley.”

There are certain kinds of French foods that sound like old lady cocktail party foods that make me wonder how French food became the gold standard, and this is one of them. Then in the elimination challenge, Sieger claimed “chicken vesuvio” (“a Chicago-Italian American dish featuring crispy, pan-fried bone-in chicken and roasted potatoes in a savory sauce of garlic, white wine, and chicken stock, often finished with peas, lemon, and parsley”), which sounds tasty and rustic, but the way Sieger made it — tasteful, minimalist cubes of boneless chicken with some sauce — looked like another dowdy French thing.

And yet, the judges loved it. Redemption for now? Sieger doesn’t seem like a favorite to me at the moment, but I do appreciate the bitchy way he tilts his head from side to side when he talks. It always feels like he’s really giving us the tea.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Chicken Vesuvio, pea and parmesan purée, chicken jus, and potatoes.

Reviews: “It’s a nicely cooked chicken.”

6. (+5) Rhoda

AKA: Boss Baby.

Ranking History: 11 2 2 1 1.

Last Chance Kitchen winner Rhoda rejoined the competition this week, after besting chef Brandon (the skinny twin), even though he knocked out an egg yolk raviolo in like 20 minutes. Brandon’s twin Johnathan shed a single tear when he realized his brother wouldn’t be rejoining them. “I promise,” Rhoda reassured him, putting a hand on his shoulder, “he was a fighter.”

After her hard fought LCK victory (she was originally eliminated in week five over revolting monk fish), Rhoda was reintroduced to the competition by having to choose last in the elimination challenge, at which point all that was left was dessert. I guess the idea was to gin up some drama, with the chefs wondering whether the pastry chef Brandon might pop back into the competition right in his dessert sweet spot, but instead it just felt like they’d sandbagged the Asian chef by sticking her with a Southern dessert slot.

In retrospect, they probably should’ve used the Quickfire to determine the chefs’ choice of Elimination Challenge categories. Lotta “hindsight is 20/20” this week.

Anyway, Rhoda chose to make “Eton Mess” — “a traditional British dessert of crushed meringue, whipped cream, and strawberries (or other berries) mixed together, often served in layers in a glass” — but Rhoda’s insufficiently-sugared meringue wouldn’t set. Eton Mess? More like eatin’ mess, am I right??? (Can’t believe no one used that one.)

When Rhoda served them a melange of mushy meringue, candied lemon pith, and macerated berries, the judges rightly wondered what the hell she had been doing the entire time. Turns out, she was candying pith and unsuccessfully dehydrating meringue. She tried to rebrand the meringue as “soft meringue” when she presented the dish, but the judges weren’t buying it for a second. Don’t pith on my leg and tell me it’s raining! (Can’t believe no one used that one).

It’s fun when chefs try to disguise mistakes with clever verbiage. I still remember Kevin Gillespie referring to tough meat as “toothsome,” what must be like 15 years ago now. But that strategy only ever works, if it ever works, if you don’t crack under the very first question like Rhoda, who immediately caved and admitted she didn’t want the meringue to be soft.

I tend to think Rhoda deserved to go home for such a weak ass dessert. You could make the case that Oscar chose red meat and still screwed it up, whereas Rhoda got stuck with a dish she didn’t want, but also: it’s a dessert! The show made a big point of Rhoda finding out that Sherry had had extra eggs all along, but I guarantee you that kitchen had plenty of cream, milk, sugar, and flour. Figure something out!

Rhoda came out strong, becoming the first chef in 23 seasons to win the first two elimination challenges in a row, but now it feels like she’s lost her confidence. You hate to see it!

Elimination Challenge Dish: Eton Mess with whipped creme fraiche, berries, and lemon pith.

Reviews: “If you’re gonna use something so bitter, you’re gonna need to find some sugar somewhere.”

5. (+1) Johnathan

AKA: Twin Big Twin. Thicc Twin. Meat. Brawnathan. H Bomb. GLP-2. Rawdog. Rawdaddy.

Ranking History: 6 7 7 8 9 8 8 5.

Notable Quote: “I want to be happy, but my brother’s gone.”

I enjoy how much the show is presenting Brandon and Johnathan as Goofus and Gallant.

BRANDON: I hate losing! I just want to win this competition to show that I’m better than my twin brother, he sucks!

JOHNATHAN: Gosh, I’m sad my brother is gone. I sure hope he wins Last Chance Kitchen, he’s such a good chef.

Love that juxtaposition. I also enjoyed Johnathan this week playing to the camera, narrating the proper way to clean a meat grinder (just run some ice through it!), and then immediately breaking the meat grinder.

Speaking of Goofus & Gallant, Johnathan ended up overcooking his crostini, leading him to ask Sherry if she had any extra bread. She did, and happily gave it to Johnathan, who used it for new crostini and landed in the top two. See, Rhoda? Was that so hard?

Between last week’s aguachile and this week’s steak tartare, it seems Johnathan may have finally found his stride. And that stride is “not cooking stuff.” This man absolutely loves going in raw. Honestly, respect to anyone who can make raw hamburger meat sound this tasty.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Steak Tartare, egg yolk emulsion, Cornichon chimichurri, crispy shallots, toasted baguette.

Reviews: “This was very well done.” “I was a little bit spicy, so I love it.” “And that cornichon chimichurri, I’ve never seen that before.”