Top Chef Power Rankings Week 5: Dry Boys Assemble

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When this week’s Top Chef episode began with more JENNIFER’S SHOULDER CONTENT I thought I was going to lose my mind. We’re now five episodes deep, which seems well above the upper limit for the acceptable amount of screen time that can devoted to one cooking show contestant’s old rope-swing injury.

Little did I know that this shoulder injury would become pivotal to the outcome of the episode, and even go on to provide us with the closest thing we’ve had yet to a shocking ending. The drama! The gamesmanship! The inexplicably mis-cooked monkfish! Aw, yeah, that’s why we watch this show, baby. Please forgive me, Magical Elves. I shan’t question your foreshadowing ever again.

We’ll get to that, but first, this week’s show opened with Kristin Kish asking the chefs a provocative question: “So. Y’all feeling fortunate to still be in the competition?”

As a fellow non-southerner, I felt like I could sense the hard kernel of imposter syndrome sitting in Kristen’s belly when she said “y’all.” Objectively a very useful word, but one that feels like rocks in your mouth if you don’t naturally speak with southern accent. It’s like an American saying “mate.”

Anyway, as it turns out, “y’all” wasn’t the important part of that sentence: it was “fortunate.” Put that into the Jeff Goldblum lateral connections machine and you get…

Guest Judge Fortune Feimster!

Hearing the name “Fortune Feimster” is still a little tough for me, because I feel like if a comedian has a goofy stage name, it should be funny, like Fred Asparagus. Or conversely, descriptive, like Carrot Top or Earthquake. “Fortune Feimster” has words in it that I recognize but all together they just make me confused. It’s like a scab you can’t stop picking. Nothing against her as a person, I’m sure she has 10 separate bits on this subject that I just haven’t heard yet.

Feimster, representing Comic Relief, got to introduce this week’s challenge. The explanation was even more tortured than the “are y’all feeling fortunate” segue, but the gist of it was that it was like the culinary equivalent of that improv game where the crowd shouts three words and the improv troupe has to improvise a comedic scenario out of it. (Sidenote: it must be so embarrassing to be part of anything referred to as a “troupe”).

In practice, this meant asking the children introduced for the occasion some random questions, and then haphazardly including their answers as attributes that the chef’s dishes were meant to include. (One of the kids was named “Kinsleigh,” naturally).

In this case, those qualities were:

• Christmas (the kids’ favorite holiday)
• Colorado (one of the kids’ favorite place to visit)
• Puffified (a description of the kind of Cheetos one kid liked)

Sure, whatever, man! Later, they threw in an extra twist, Corn Nuts. I guess we’re just saying anything at this point.

It also felt like they sort of sandbagged Fortune Feimster a bit with this challenge, having her 1. represent a charity, 2. pairing her with children, and then 3. making her judge this bizarre improv challenge, featuring puffy Colorado Christmas food spiked with Corn Nuts. If I was her, I’d be thinking, Shit, man, you couldn’t have just had me on for the Iberico Ham contest?

With all that going on, Feimster didn’t have a lot space to be funny, but I did enjoy that if I close my eyes she sounds just like Danny McBride.

One kid in particular kind of stole the show during the quickfire. Wolfe, above left, came up with puffified, fell off her chair at one point, and seemed to level all the harshest zingers. My subtitles weren’t working, and at one point Wolfe said something that I had to rewind three times to try to parse. The closest transcription I could come up with was “It reminds me a chargle? Wait I wonder if that was a excuse for a beamer.”

Baffling. It wasn’t until I was able to rewatch the show on different speakers that I realized what she actually said: “It reminds me a bit of charcoal? Wait, I wonder if that was a excuse for it being burnt.”

NOW I get it. Harsh, Wolfe. That was about Rhoda’s dish, by the way.

Other than it being sort of a loopy challenge, my biggest criticism was that no one made what I thought was the obvious choice: Chile Colorado! It has Colorado in the title, and it’s red, meaning you could easily garnish with something green and get “Christmas.” Way to whiff on that one, you clowns!

Jennifer, by the way, opted out of this Quickfire Challenge entirely, on account of the aforementioned shoulder injury (her emergency shoulder, as I’ve taken to calling it). This was Jennifer’s second quickfire opt-out in five episodes, and it was at this point that everyone involved seemed to belatedly realize that the show doesn’t have any built-in rules to prevent contestants from skipping quickfires. Oops! Can’t have them all doing that, can we? There’d be no quickfires! And then what would we have? Anarchy, that’s what!

With no guardrails in place, Jennifer returned once again for the Elimination Challenge, presumably well-rested from not having to tax her shoulder with cooking or her brain with trying to come up with some Colorado Christmas Puffy Corn Nut horse shit (benefiting Comic Relief!).

Following the quickfire, Kristen Kish introduced the elimination challenge, which was somehow even more a product of loopy lateral thinking. Kish revealed that the gang would be taking a field trip to the Jewel of the Carolinas (?): the US National White Water Center, the country’s only man-made park built specifically for rafting. Or something like that.

How would they tie that into food, you might rightly be wondering?

Why, with a dehydrated food challenge, of course! I guess because people on rafting trips might have to eat dehydrated food? Even though a white water rafting center would probably negate the part where you’d have to bring a pack and hike to a river? Whatever, man, let’s just go with it, I guess. These producers were definitely on mushrooms this week.

SPOILERS

This week’s finale came down to three previous favorites who had all turned in uncharacteristically poor food this week: Rhoda, Laurence, and Oscar. It seemed as though the judges and/or producers had second thoughts about having to send home one of their best chefs, and so they introduced a possible solution: what if Jennifer has to go home for medical reasons and save them all the trouble?

They brought this idea to Jennifer, only in a non-binding way, sweetening the pot by telling her that she would have a dedicated spot to compete on next season’s Top Chef if she went home now for medical reasons. The way the show edited the next part made it seem as though Jennifer went to the other contestants for guidance, who all basically told her “No way, you go girl, stay in the competition!”

Which… of course the other contestants would tell her to stick it out! That way, they’d end up competing against one less of the three previously-strong-looking contestants who were also on the chopping block, and one gimpy one. As opposed to culling the gimpy one who was less of a threat anyway and having to compete against three sharks. Pretty easy decision, imo.

Left unsaid was the fact that leaving the competition now would’ve required Jennifer to lose out on another six weeks of lost restaurant income some time down the line in order to do the show again. And so we were all left to assume that this was solely a matter of gamesmanship, which is probably more entertaining anyway.

I don’t know if it was “fair,” but it was good television, giving us our first not-predictable Top Chef ending this season.

RESULTS

Quickfire Bottom: Rhoda. Oscar. Sherry.
Quickfire Top: Brandon*. Sieger. Johnathan.

Elimination Bottom: Laurence, Rhoda**, Oscar. (Jennifer?)
Elimination Top: Anthony*, Sherry, Duyen.

(*winner. **eliminated)

Power Rankings (change from last week)

11. (-9) Rhoda

AKA: Boss Baby

Ranking History: 2, 2, 1, 1.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Roasted monkfish with adobo sauce, dehydrated squid ink, dyhydrated broccoli, and garlic chip.

Reviews: “Whoa, that is not cooked right.” “I don’t want to eat that.” “No.” “Rhoda’s monkfish texture is very off to me.” “It’s like half cooked and very spongey.” “It’s leeching water which is breaking the sauce.” “It’s a very odd dish.”

Wow, talk about a tumble. Rhoda the Boss Baby went from being the first contestant ever to win the first two elimination challenges individually to getting booted on episode five. This show clearly offers no quarter for bad monkfish. She didn’t even seem like she thought she had messed up; we were left to believe that she and the judges merely had very different ideas of how monkfish should be cooked. (Who is correct, I’m not sure; I’m not a monkfish scholar).

I thought Rhoda was finale-bound for sure, but in fairness, her quickfire dish, a potato souffle-lamb shepherd’s pie also had her on the bottom. The way Fortune Feimster told it, the kids checked out as soon as Rhoda said “lamb,” which is unfair because lamb is delicious and I loved it, even as a kid, though I also don’t know how the hell you do a shepherd’s pie and a souffle simultaneously. A shepherd wouldn’t be caught dead eating a souffle, the other shepherds would beat him senseless with their big wooden sticks!

In any case, I’m sad to see Rhoda go. She wasn’t necessarily the most fascinating personality this show has ever had (too normal, no obvious personality disorders), but it could always use more Filipino food.

Last Chance Kitchen Spoilers!

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Rhoda did win her first Last Chance Kitchen, against Nana. Her dish simply had the most crab flavor, according to Tom Colicchio, a crab connoisseur. So as long as Rhoda stays flawless for… eight? Nine? more of these, she can make her way back into the competition.

10. (+1) Justin

AKA: Dangle. Wife Guy. Panthro. Crazylegs. Quad City. Yoga Jack Black. Jortscenter.

Ranking History: 10, 11, 10, 10, 12.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Grilled New York Strip crusted with dehydrated olive, dehydrated mushrooms, citrus, fried leeks, and fried beef.

Reviews: “I found the sauce overpowering.” “It’s good, but there are too many ideas happening.”

It’s Justin’s misfortune this season to never do too badly and never do too well. He has had two low finishes so far and zero high ones, though he never has seemed in danger of going home, either.

Story-wise, his main focal points seem to be: Guy Who Wears Shorts and Jennifer’s Shoulder Consultant. This week he surprised everyone by showing up wearing jeans for a challenge. I dunno, man, I need more.

9. (even) Jennifer

AKA: Hi Y’all. Bon Voyage. Husband Gal. Fishbait. Slinger.

Ranking History: 10, 9, 9, 11.

Notable Quote: “I’m on a steroid now, so we’ll see.”

Elimination Challenge Dish; Smoked catfish dip, with sesame seeds, poppy seeds, and deydrated lemon.

Reviews: “Good, it was flavorful, I liked how she made it with all these dehydrated ingredients, I think that’s cool.” “Do what you do and do it well. This is what she does.”

As annoyed as I am about having to hear about Jennifer’s rope swing shoulder for 15 minutes every episode, I have nothing but respect for the way she has managed to bend the show’s rules to her whims and refused to take one for the team. Fuck falling on your sword! Make those bastards drag you out of there, kicking and screaming! Remember when Jamie Lynch gave up his immunity as an act of personal integrity and they immediately booted his ass? Thank God someone has learned from past episodes.

The judges seemed to like Jennifer’s catfish dip, but it’s hard to tell how much longer she’ll stick around beyond that. There aren’t a lot of obvious weak links left in the competition. She also never said which steroid they gave her. Probably it’s prednisone, but I’d like to imagine they put her on nandrolone or dianabol and that she’s going to spend the rest of the show getting acne and hitting culinary dingers and putting her fist through drywall whenever Justin pisses her off. Would love to see her destroy a door like Rampage Jackson.

8. (+1) Johnathan

AKA: Thicc Twin. Meat. Brawnathan. H Bomb. GLP-2.

Ranking History: 9, 8, 8, 5.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Smoked swordfish covered in dehydrated strawberies, jicama and mandarin salsa, mizuna leaves, and lime meringue sticks.

Reviews: “Johnathan’s dish would’ve read great on the menu if it was cooked properly.”

So far Johnathan is coasting through this competition, with his high finishes evening out his low ones, without ever feeling like he was in danger of leaving the show. Mostly he functions as the less annoying version of Brandon.

This week there was some mini drama when the twins heard “dehydrated ingredients,” and, sharing the same DNA, both immediately started making meringues. But Johnathan allowed himself to be buffaloed by Brandon’s supposed dessert skills and pivoted to swordfish instead. That seemed like the better choice at first, when Brandon was struggling with his meringue, but in the end they both ended up right in the middle yet again. Kind of the story of their competition.

7. (+1) Sieger Bayer

AKA: The Silver Bullet. SEO. Hansel.

Ranking History: 8, 11, 11, 8.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Poached chicken in morel quenelle with consomme.

Reviews: “It’s very beautiful but I’m perplexed by the technique. It just tastes like you were eating a bunch of raw vegetables.”

Probably the best part of this week’s episode was the way the baffling improv challenge immediately turned Sieger into Shecky Green.

“If I win, I’m getting a vasectomy,” he said to open the challenge, seeming to speak for everyone. Oh really, man? I have to cook a “Christmas, Colorado, puffified” dish because of someone named Kinsleigh?

Later he said, “I’m gonna go sweet for these little shits,” and also “When it comes to having children, I’m all about practicing, not making.”

Got a chuckle out of me, both times. After all that, Sieger damned near won the whole challenge, for his weirdo puffed sorghum peppermint popcorn dessert. It just goes to show, kids are like any other fandom. Fans are piggies, you can’t trust them to know what kind of slop they want. They should be treated with irritation and disdain, not pandered to. As an artist, you’re the farmer. Piggies get to eat the slop, they don’t get to tell you what goes in it.

Between the quickfire finish and last week’s win, I was all set to bump Sieger up a bunch of slots in these rankings. And then he turned in a picture-perfect dish of grapeleaf-wrapped chicken morsels floating in consomme that apparently was all fuss, no flavor. You know that dish had to be pretty bad for it to look that pretty and still get universally panned by the judges. That dish looked like everything Danny Garcia cooked two seasons ago.

6. (even) Brandon

AKA: GLP-1. Broccoli Twin. Slim. B-Train. New Danny. Shh.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Matcha cake, pink peppercorn meringue, pineapple leather and Thai basil.

Reviews: “I think Brandon was trying to show off a little bit.” “I think he executed it well, I just don’t that I would’ve picked that flavor profile.” “I hate when dishes come with instructions. It really bugs me.”

Notable Quote: “Yeah, it was perfect.” -Brandon, talking about his own dish.

I don’t mean to make Brandon a stand-in for the sins of every influencer archetype (at 93K Instagram followers, it’s debatable whether he even counts as one), but damn if he doesn’t play into it. The hyper confidence, the constant soundbite hogging, the pointless act-outs. When the chefs were preparing for the kids challenge, Brandon got his own little cut scene explaining why this was the perfect challenge for him because he has kids. “Kids, they don’t like fussy food,” Brandon said. “My son, he’s nine. I’ll bring him to the restaurant, and he’s like, ‘Dad! Can I have some French fries?’”

That was the whole story. He has a kid, who is nine, who asks for french fries. No punchline, no button! But he’s doing act-outs all the same! I’m begging you all to settle down.

Anyway, I thought Brandon was cooked when he described his dish as “kind of like a dehydrated rock,” but apparently the worst thing the judges could say about it was that it was too show-offy. He still might end up winning this thing.

5. (-1) Oscar

AKA: Twice In Legal Minute. DJ Buenos Dias. Milky. 311.

Ranking History: 4, 6, 3, 7.

Notable Quote: “I hope this mole is delicious enough that they don’t noticed that it’s overcooked.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Lamb chop with yellow grits, asparagus, and variations of mama’s mole.

Reviews: “The lamb is hammered, it’s just so overcooked it’s ridiculous.” “The grits were totally congealed.” “The leather on the side, I love it.”

If Brandon has cemented his niche in the competition as “annoying influencer guy,” Oscar has solidified his own as “lovable stoner.” He called his quickfire dish “puff puff pass the pizza puff,” which was adorable, even though he landed on the bottom for trying to deep fry puff pastry (also an adorably stonery thing to do).

In the elimination challenge, Oscar ended up hammering his lamb, which is one of those sins Tom Colicchio always penalizes as harshly as pedophilia. Oscar knew it was bad, and when he said he was hoping his mole was good enough that they wouldn’t notice how badly the lamb was overcooked I thought for sure he’d be going home.

Shockingly, Oscar skated through by the skin of his soul patch — not because of his mole, but because of his dehydrated “mole leather,” which Tom Colicchio loved so much he was able to overlook the hammered lamb. I thought for sure “mole leather” was a terrible idea (you hydrate dried chiles into a sauce and then dehydrate it again?), but clearly I stand corrected.

Anyway, I’m glad he made it because I love Oscar. “Mole leather” sounds like a decorative item you would buy in a head shop, where the guy at the counter is exactly like Oscar.