Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 7: I Dedicated My Life to Christ on the Cracker Barrel Replica Porch

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This week on Top Chef:

• A Who’s Who of Who’s That?
• For Thom the Bell’s Tolls
• I Dedicated My Life to Christ in the Cracker Barrel Replica Set Porch
• Mr. Too Damn Cold

So yeah, I couldn’t choose just one title, but that shouldn’t be your burden. Let’s get to it.

Here I quote Tom Colicchio, at the beginning of last week’s Last Chance Kitchen:

“As you can see, this week’s eliminated chef is not here. Something really unusual happened during the competition so there’s no chef walking through this door right now. Don’t worry, all will be made clear next week…”

Well here we are, it’s next week. And guess what? NOTHING HAS BEEN MADE CLEAR! If anything, it’s even more murky. Stop stirring the sediment, Top Chef! This is Top Chef, not Top Conundrum!

Okay fine, I won’t say that all the cliffhangers this season aren’t entertaining. Unfortunately, once again, mostly all of the weird stuff happened at the very end of the episode. And in order to rank these contestants, we must begin at the beginning.

In her third season as Top Chef host, Kristen Kish’s main point of differentiation has been a truly insane level of poise, allowing her to look comfortable in virtually any situation, including having to read some of the wordiest try-hard ad copy of all time off the prompter, all while making it sound like an original, extemporaneous observation.

This week’s version was a real doozy:

“Since 1969, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store has been a beloved destination for crave-worthy comfort food in a warm, nostalgic atmosphere.”

Lol, yep, it was a Cracker Barrel spon-con segment!

Of course, you may remember the Cracker Barrel logo controversy of August 2025. That was when Cracker Barrel altered their stupid logo, in the process creating a newer, even stupider logo. Which for some reason got all of the MAGA chuds in a lather, because at some point someone decided that the new logo was woke. They all claimed to miss “Uncle Herschel,” the guy from the original logo whose name I had never once heard before the controversy. It was like all the weirdest people online spontaneously decided that fictional orange restaurant silhouette was actually a slaveowner who needed defending from cancel culture. Everyone did it! It was the style at the time!

It was a forgettable controversy mostly too stupid to rehash, but it did give us an all-timer of a tweet, from Republican gubernatorial candidate Byron Donalds of Florida, forever remembered as the “I gave my life to Christ in the Cracker Barrel parking lot” guy:

Anyway, that all happened in August 2025. This season of Top Chef began shooting right around the same time (this article, about the shoot kicking off in Charlotte, for instance, is dated August 20th, a day before the “I gave my life to Christ in the Cracker Barrel parking lot” tweet).

I suppose the only reason why the timing would matter is to try to work out whether this Cracker Barrel spon-con was an attempt to rehabilitate Cracker Barrel’s image after getting harangued into keeping Uncle Herschel on the sign, or part of the same rebranding push that got everyone mad in the first place. My guess is that it was probably more the latter, based both on timing and on my general sense that I can’t imagine the greatest strategy for winning over angry jug hooters would be sponsored content on the Bravo network.

But honestly, who can really say? Action, reaction; crisis, PR push — who can divine cause and effect and strategy and counter-strategy in a media environment this idiotic? I choose to think of it all as a sort of post-modern capitalist tone poem.

Anyway, Cracker Barrel.

After making a meal of all that ad copy (grrr, crave-worthy comfort food!) Kish introduced the challenge: in teams of three, make a “new country classic.”

Aka, a breakfast, lunch, and dinner dish fit for the Cracker Barrel menu. For this, the teams were told they would have 45 minutes total to cook, with no simultaneous cooking allowed. Which is to say, 15 minutes of cook time for each chef, unless one person goes over their allotted time and bones you. Definitely a tough challenge! At the real Cracker Barrel, you could just use a microwave.

To judge said challenge, Kish did a big reveal with secret guest judges behind the closed doors of the fake Cracker Barrel porch set. They made a big show of it being a bit surprise, complete with loudly amplified footsteps as the guest judges marched towards door like a drum roll. At which point, out popped…

(*gasps*)

Who the fuck is that???

Soon, the chefs were all eagerly fangirling over Allison LaCroix and Jake T. Combover from Brunch: Caucasian Style. Hold on, apologies, I read that wrong. Turns out it’s actually Madison LeCroy and Craig Conover from Southern Charm! You know, that show on the Bravo network that we all know and love!

So yeah, that was the quickfire. Watching the chefs do short-order cook stuff, honestly kind of cool. The Cracker Barrel spon-con Bravolebrity tie-in… eh, less so.

Luckily, those Magical Elves had big plans to redeem themselves with the Elimination Challenge. For that, they needed the big guns. A-Listers. Internationally-known icons. And to that end, Kristen Kish introduced this week’s elimination challenge guest judge:

(*gasps*)

Who the fuck is that???

(*regains composure*)

Also… how YOU doin’?

Jk, obviously we all know that that is Melissa Benoist, from Supergirl on the CW network! She introduced herself as a Top Chef superfan who even wrote the show a letter begging to be on the show. Sort of a celebrity make-a-wish chick situaish. In fairness, whatever she may have lacked in recognizability I thought she fairly made up for in being an astute judge.

So, the challenge. Kish explained that it was to be based on Charlotte’s namesake, a real queen, named Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz. “Boy, that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?” said Kristen Kish.

I mean, not compared to “crave-worthy comfort food in a warm, nostalgic atmosphere,” but whatever you say! As always I defer to the queen of prompter.

“And do you know what the queen’s favorite meal was?” Kish asked.

“Brunch!” Brandon shouted, proving that staring too long at Arianna Sodawater and Connor T. Shirtjacket can rot your brain.

The correct answer was, of course, dessert. And so the challenge would be for the contestants to choose one of the classic southern desserts off of the display and update them. Oh, and then spend the next three hours cooking, in order to serve 60 people, all of them “Top Chef superfans.”

It just so happens, I know a guy who writes a popular Top Chef newsletter and has also appeared on a previous episode of Top Chef, as “guy who likes shoving desserts into his face, which I assure you looks much fatter on TV.”

Apparently I didn’t get the call this time. You think they lost my number? I figure that’s probably what happened.

After that, much Top Chef ensued. The “superfans” were predictably dorky and annoying. Tom Colicchio made this face:

That’s Tom’s “broken whipped cream” face and I swear I didn’t try to find that screencap, I just happened to pause at the perfect moment. Sometimes the perfect screencap finds you.

Anyway, let’s get into the spoilery stuff.

Results

Quickfire Bottom: Green Team (Justin, Jennifer, Duyen) loved Duyen’s though.
Quickfire Top: Yellow Team (Anthony, Brandon, Johnathan).

Elimination Challenge Top: Laurence, Anthony*, Sherry.
Elimination Challenge Bottom: Justin**, Oscar, Duyen.

(*Winner. **Eliminated).

Power Rankings (Change from Last Week)

9. (even) ((Eliminated)) Justin

AKA: Dangle. Wife Guy. Panthro. Crazylegs. Quad City. Yoga Jack Black. Manic Pixie Dream Boy. Mr. Too Damn Cold.

Let’s not mince words: Justin did so badly this episode that it was offensive to even pretend that someone else might go home. It almost felt like he’d talked himself out of winning before this episode started (being on the bottom so many times might do that to a person).

In the quickfire, he had a pretty solid, straightforward idea: that Cracker Barrel didn’t have a corned beef hash on their menu and could probably use one. Unfortunately he overcomplicated things with a mustard sabayon (one of like five different sabayons this episode, I think “sabayon” was the word of the week), causing him to overcook his beef (which he tried to deep fry to save time), and ended up going over time and over beef. That’s right, he overcooked the beef, and sort of hosed his teammates Duyen and Jennifer in the process. Don’t fuck your buddy, man! No one likes a buddyfucker! Even if your buddy is actually your fuck buddy in this case!

Then, in the elimination challenge, Justin chose ambrosia salad as his dessert to update, which frankly seemed like a cry for help. When he said “I’m gonna do it pretty close to the original” I knew he was cooked. I can see being faithful to banana pudding or cobbler, but not to cream whip-coated fruit and jello.

Then, as if Justin wasn’t already doomed enough, he tried to freeze his ambrosia salad with liquid nitrogen — even though he’d never used it before. He ended up with a dessert that the judges basically described as too cold to eat, eliminating him from competition but giving him a great nickname on the way out the door: Mr. Too Damn Cold.

So, RIP to Justin. While he didn’t prove himself to be a historically great Top Chef competitor, he did put himself in the running for all-time most supportive common law husband, by refusing to take Jennifer’s place in the competition when she was medically deactivated. He said he wanted to make sure that she was okay first, and while I’m not entirely sure how him dropping out of the show but staying in Last Chance Kitchen furthers that end, it does sound like something that a supportive partner would do. Maybe it’s not though? I don’t know, I’ll have to ask my wife.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Cherry granita, roasted pineapple, brown butter walnuts and raspberries.

Reviews: “There’s just something missing bringing it all together.” “The ratio was off. There wasn’t enough cream to all the different things.” “I thought it was a hot mess. Actually a cold mess.” “Too damn cold.”

Ranking History: 9 10 11 10 10 12.

8. (even) ((Medically Disqualified)) Jennifer

AKA: Hi Y’all. Bon Voyage. Husband Gal. Fishbait. Slinger.

This week, the southern gal proved herself once again a great fit for a southern food competition, cooking up a well-received riff on “Atlantic Beach Pie.” I’d never heard of it, but Jennifer says she makes it every Thanksgiving. It looks just like lemon meringue, which is one of the great undersung pies.

Jennifer and Atlantic Beach Pie were a match made in heaven, but unfortunately for Jennifer her face started drooping at the end of the episode like the Two Weeks lady from Total Recall.

It’s okay, we know Jennifer is okay so I’m allowed to make that joke.

We never found out exactly what was going on with Jennifer, but if I was a betting man, I’d say Bell’s Palsy. Of course, I’m also biased on account of having had an attack of Bell’s Palsy myself. I was stressed out about teaching for the first time, and the first thing I noticed was that one of my eyes felt like it was scratched. I went to the optometrist and they checked it out and said I probably had a scratch on the cornea and gave me some drops for it. So I went home, and then a few nights later my wife noticed that my mouth and eye were drooping. So then I went to an Urgent Care, who told me to go to the Emergency Room, and so I went there and the doctor was like “I’ll give you a cat scan, but I’m 95% sure that’s Bell’s Palsy.”

Bell’s it was, which was a relief to hear. I was fine, except that half my face didn’t work for almost a month. I couldn’t purse my lips to make fart and elephant sounds, which was a real blow as that was my main way of interacting with my young toddler at the time. The feeling started to return after about a week and a half and after about a month or six weeks I was pretty much back to farting and trumpeting like normal.

The emergency room visit ended up getting billed for something like $1600 out of pocket, even though I have full medical insurance. That didn’t include what I paid to go to Urgent Care, or my co-pay for the optometrist, who apparently hadn’t been trained in how to recognize Bell’s Palsy, like someone’s eye not closing all the way or lubricating properly causing it to feel all scratchy, which feels like something they should know.

Cool system, huh? I know this was a big digression but I think we need to take every opportunity to bitch about how absurd the American medical system is.

The only thing complicating my armchair diagnosis here is that Jennifer, I believe, was already taking a steroid for her shoulder. That was actually what I was prescribed to treat the Bell’s, and it seems weird to contract Bell’s in the middle of taking a medication they use to fix it. So, maybe it’s something else? Have I mentioned I am not a doctor?

In any case, it’s bon voyage to Bon Voyage (I had no idea this would happen when I gave her that nickname, she was just dressed like someone leaving on a ship). Jennifer is off the show, with a promise to return next season. Will she be as competitive in a season not set in the South? Maybe, maybe not. Southern food is kind of a “good any time” kind of thing, I find.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Meyer Lemon curd and yuzu jelly with saltine and graham cracker crunch.

Reviews: “Citrusy.” “Yup, yuzu.” “Jen’s is a flavor bomb. this foam, it’s delicious.” “I loved it.” “I liked it too.” “The yuzu was a little assertive, but I like that.”

Ranking History: 8 9 10 9 9 11

7. (even) Johnathan

AKA: Big Twin Big Twin. Thicc Twin. Meat. Brawnathan. H Bomb. GLP-2.

I really like Johnathan, which is funny because his twin brother seems annoying as hell and they share the same DNA. I don’t know if that’s a big data point in the nature vs. nurture battle or a comment on how getting thin can change your personality.

Anyway, Johnathan has never really seemed in danger of going home, and it looked like he might make a big push this week after his “smothered steak with bourbon pan gravy” in the quickfire round. That looked so good it briefly tricked me into thinking it might be a good idea to go to a Cracker Barrel. I’m sure I’ve been to one before though I can’t remember any of the specifics. I imagine it’s a similar thing to Denny’s, where you see the pictures on the menu and, even having been there before and knowing full well how shitty the food is, you briefly allow yourself imagine that it might actually be really good this time. Then it arrives and it’s just insanely mediocre like always and you wonder how a combination of a menu picture and hunger can have such a profound effect. I swear I’ve done this at least 200 times. Whoever took the picture of Moons Over My Hammy should win a Pulitzer.

Unfortunately Johnathan’s Great Leap Forward was not to be, as he chose Chocolate Chess Pie for his dessert to update and then made what looked like a cup of pudding. Oh, excuse me, a “sabayon.”

Hey, man, did you really think this was going to work out? Imagine you ordered a pie and someone brought you a coupe glass full of gels and creams. Would you be happy?

Elimination Challenge Dish: Chocolate Sabayon, chocolate custard, pate sucree & candied kumquats.

Reviews: “Johnathan had this great story, but what he made was chocolate pudding with whipped cream.” “I did love the kumquat though.”

Ranking History: 7 8 9 8 8 5

6. (-1) Oscar

AKA: Twice In Legal Minute?! DJ Buenos Dias. Milky. 311.

I like Oscar. He has straightforward ideas that seem like pretty good ones. Like in the Quickfire challenge, when he made pan de elote, a sort of crispy corn pancake with berries, and everyone loved it. The perfect riff on Cracker Barrel’s famously crispy (citation needed?) pancakes.

OSCAR: “I haven’t been to Cracker Barrel. Saw the picture. Super inspired.” (Couldn’t tell if he was being glib on purpose but I enjoyed it).

In the elimination challenge, Oscar drew “Moravian sugar cake,” which I’d never heard of, but looked pretty good because it looked like a little cake without frosting, and I hate frosting. Frosting is for babies. Stop putting frosting on cinnamon rolls, what is wrong with you? Don’t you people already have enough diabetes? Blech. (Cream cheese frosting can stay, just barely).

Anyway, Oscar had what seemed like another pretty good idea, which was to turn his Moravian sugar cake into a capirotada, which Oscar said was like a Jalisco bread pudding. Bread pudding? Now that’s a perfect dessert. No bullshit frosting, just delicious custardy goo.

Anyway, great idea! Unfortunately, Oscar tried to bake it inside of a bathtub.

I actually spent a good 15 minutes trying to get a screencap that would show the baking vessel Oscar used, just you could see how ridiculous large it was. This was the best I got:

I know he was cooking for 60 people, which is at least 47 more people than you could reasonably be expected to serve something decent to, but that’s still an absurdly large tub of bread pudding. Naturally, it didn’t quite work. Uneven cook, not enough custard (that would’ve taken like 97 eggs from the looks of it), plus some broken whipped cream on top that, again, caused Tom to make this face:

This was actually the kind of mistake I had been expecting Oscar to make all along, based on his demeanor and general stoner-y affect.

Things might have gone very badly for Oscar this week, had not Melissa Benoist been there to say what I was thinking: “Who cares about broken whipped cream? It still tasted pretty good.”

Damn, I might have to watch an episode of Supergirl for that. Anyway, I dropped Oscar down a slot in the rankings for this week’s performance, but my gut says that if this is the biggest mistake he makes, he’s still doing pretty well.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Capirotada with whipped cream.

Reviews: “It’s so good, I wish we could have seconds.” “Broken whipped cream.” “It was overwhipped.” ‘Do you see how thick he backed that.” “It needed more custard. It wasn’t pudding like, it was bread like.”

Ranking History: 5 5 4 6 3 7.

5. (+1) Brandon

AKA: GLP-1. Broccoli Twin. Slim. B-Train. New Danny. Shh. Zoolander.

Oh, Brandon. My man 100% thought he was going to win AGAIN! Watching Brandon soak up praise and swell with pride and then light up just before they announce a winner, only to deflate like a popped balloon trying to smile through it is becoming my favorite part of this show.

Yet much as I love to bust Brandon’s balls for being a slightly corny, overeager, overconfident influencer who talks too much, I have to admit that he got a raw deal this episode. Both of his dishes this week were probably the first things I’d order if given the option.

His quickfire dish: Over-easy eggs topped with hollandaise over a nest of hashbrowns. Yeah, baby. I was about to cry foul over his unrinsed potatoes (shred, rinse, squeeze out with a dish towel! I have strong opinions about hash browns!), but recognizing that he was going for speed and using the potatoes mostly as a vessel for hollandaise rather than crispiness, I must begrudgingly approve (maybe he microwaved them?). Hollandaise and eggs over hashbrowns can cover a lot of sins.

In the elimination challenge, Brandon charged the display and scared everyone away from his chosen dessert, banana pudding. I’d call that a dick move, except I agree with him about banana pudding being the best dessert there, and the fact that he used them to make a riff on tiramisu? Ugh, god dammit, Brandon, are we best friends now?

I guess not 100% because it was still really fun to watch him get kicked in the dick. I can’t believe those Top Chef superfan dorks chose Sherry’s cotton candy galette over bananamisu. Insanity! Galette? Galette out my face with that shit, am I right?

(I kid, galettes are great, I just don’t know how putting cotton candy on one improves anything).

Elimination Challenge Dish: “Banana-misu”. Banana compote, espresso dipped wafers, and whipped cream.

Reviews: “I wanted to eat more.” “It was really tasty.”

Ranking History: 6 6 6 7 7 3