Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 3: Welcome to the Black Purée

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[Note: this post has a lot of pictures, so you’ll probably have to click through to the website to see them all].

Another episode of Top Chef in the books, and boy, the judges did NOT like that one. Major we’re-not-afraid-to-ding-your-entire-pledge-class! energy. You think someone HAS to be named Top Chef this season, just because we flew you all here? Wrong, punks! Keep cooking like this and we’ll send you ALL home! We’ll bring back Danny Garcia if we have to, just try us!

Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. First there was a Quickfire challenge.

Three episodes in, we can’t be running out of things that the Carolinas are known for yet, can we? The chefs filed into the kitchen for the challenge reveal and the room was full of smoke. Dopey soundbites ensued. “It’s like a Snoop Dogg concert in here!” said Oscar, the contestant most likely to have attended a Snoop Dogg concert (although that could be anyone at this point, Snoop Dogg just sort of shows up places now).

Turns out, no. The fog machines were just there to set the stage for EMERIL LAGASSE. That’s right, the Baron of Bam refuses to appear on any stage before it reaches at least 170% drama. THE PRESTIGE! (*puff of smoke*) (*Emeril appears*) (*Kristen Kish removes his velvet cape*)

I like to kid, but truthfully I’ll talk all the Emeril they can spare. What makes Emeril so great?

Well, just take the first line of his Wikipedia entry:

Emeril John Lagasse III (born October 15, 1959) is an American chef, restaurateur, television personality, cookbook author, and National Best Recipe award winner for his “Turkey and Hot Sausage Chili” recipe in 2003.

A+ mini bio, no notes. I bet that turkey and hot sausage chili fucks. Probably got a lot of people through some tough times during the build-up to the Iraq War.

So, what was the Cajun food maestro of Fall River, Massachusetts there to judge, you might be asking? For that, Kristen Kish gestured to a shiny silver cloche sitting on a spotlit pedestal in the middle of the room.

She pulled the cover off to reveal… a HUMAN BABY!

Just kidding, it was LIVERMUSH.

Apparently Livermush (great name for your mom’s v— nevermind) is a scrapple-like product made from pig scraps, notably pig liver, mixed with cornmeal and served loaf-wise. (I won’t eat anything unless it’s served loaf-wise).

As Kish noted, “Law states that livermush must have 30% pork liver by volume, as a sort of guarantee of quality, like the DOP label for cheese in Italy.”

/Matthew McConaughey voice

“The ‘law’ states that livermush must be 30% pork livers by volume. …But I see a lotta lawwwwbreakers in the house tonight…”

Why have we heard of scrapple but not livermush, even though they’re kind of the same thing? Well, probably because one sounds like “Snapple” and the other is called “liver” “mush.”

It’s always funny to me when people have a big reaction to scrapple or livermush or haggis or whatever and then describe it to you in granular detail: it’s disgusting meat parts mixed with a starch! Yuck!

Uhhh, you mean like sausage? You mean like chicken nuggets? You mean like 20 different things you’re already eating and not weirdly describing by their component parts? These are perfectly cromulent ways to use small bits of meat! You shut your mouth when you’re talking about spiced meat scraps!

The challenge, then, as Kish described it, was to “give livermush a little PR love.”

I actually really like this challenge idea, trying to rekindle some love for a traditional foodstuff. Though I do think part of the challenge should’ve been to give it a new name as well, considering the name was already the acknowledged sticking point. Did we all suddenly forget Peggy getting the Patio account in Mad Men, huh, did we??? It didn’t matter how many Bye Bye Birdie commercials they threw at it, they still had to change the name.

After that it was time for the big challenge: colors! A giant sheet made from colored fabrics dropped from the ceiling, leading to the Brandon reaction I screencapped for the banner image above. As a guy with a big Instagram following, I’m starting to notice Brandon kind of overreacts to everything. Has the “reaction vid” become the dominant mode of our times? Will everyone eventually just be doing overbroad act-outs at each other all the time? Discuss.

Anyway, the fabric thing was supposedly a tie-in to the history of “North Carolina’s rich textile industry.” This also theoretically explained Emeril’s presence, as his father apparently worked in a fabric dyeing plant while he was growing up. Why, I can picture the Emeril biopic now…

Leave that Slap Ya Mama alone, boy! Ain’t no ZESTY CAJUN SEASONINGS gonna put NO FOOD on NO TABLE! You see these indigo-stained hands? These are a family man’s hands!

And here you thought he was just a guy who made delicious turkey and hot sausage chili. Emeril contains multitudes.

The challenge, Kish explained, would be to take “natural food dyes,” like turmeric and activated charcoal, and use them to create colorful dishes, with the stipulation being that every dish have at least two elements dyed by natural food dyes. Personally, I would’ve liked a brief explanation of what makes activated charcoal a “natural food dye” vs., like, yellow no. 5 or whatever, but maybe they left that out to keep from pissing off a sponsor.

There to guest judge for the occasion were Jeff Tony Dandle and Jamie Brown from Supperland, plus the world famous “Queen of Color,” Amirah Kassem.

The chefs soon discovered that making rainbow-ass wizard food that actually tastes good isn’t as easy as it looks. Not that it seemed like a lot of them tried that hard. At this point, another seared scallop or pork tenderloin should probably be grounds for elimination alone. The judges were not pleased.

In fact, Tom Colicchio was pissed. “I give you all of the colors of the rainbow and this is how you repay me? You come to my house and try to embarrass me in front of Jeff Tony Dandle??”

Update: Okay, my research is telling me that the co-executive chef of Supperland in Charlotte is actually “Jeff Tonidandel.” But you can’t deny that it sounds like Jeff Tony Dandle, or Jeff-Tony Dandle. Why does my mouth feel like I’m eating Skittles whenever I say that? If a Quebecois can be named Marc-Andre and an Okie can be named Markwayne, why couldn’t a Carolinian be named Jeff-Tony? Once you allow portmanteau names all bets are off!

Okay, onto the rankings.

Results:

Quickfire Top: Duyen. Anthony*. Rhoda.
Quickfire Bottom: Nana. Laurence. Brittany.

Elimination Top: Anthony, Laurence*, Brandon.
Elimination Bottom:

Eliminated: Nana

(*Winner)

I don’t know why there are so many gifs this week. It’s possible my brain is broken from watching reaction videos.

Power Rankings (change from last week)

13. (-1) ((Eliminated)) Nana

AKA: Meemaw. Crash. Brass. Nana from Ghana. Shriek.

Notable Quote: “I overwhipped the whipped cream so now I have like a butter.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Chicken Galantine and yassa onion purée (hold the galantine).

Review: “It’s so incomplete that you can’t give it any kind of critique.”

Oh, Nana. Nana Nana Nana.

I was doing my best to withhold the easy dunks on Nana and her blood curdling howls of non-completion. She seems fairly likeable, and her food, when she gets it on the plate, looks interesting and like things I would want to eat. Also her main fault seems to be getting overly ambitious in her dish planning, and then getting pissed when she can’t quite execute. Which, let’s be honest, is an entirely relatable fault that no doubt afflicts about 92% of the demo that loves Top Chef on occasion, including myself. My wife had to talk me down from a ledge the other night when my toum wouldn’t emulsify. (Don’t ask).

In week one, we got to watch Kristen Kish be very kind and talk Nana down from a panic attack and it was genuinely a very sweet moment. This week Nana did it again and everyone was just kind of like “Screw it, she’s on her own this time.”

Tough stuff!

Since I get to play Monday Morning Quarterback here (it’s kind of the whole deal), I will say I thought Nana’s chicken galantine was kind of a bad idea from the start. The idea that her colorful crab and whatever else stuffed lengthwise into a deboned chicken leg was going to provide a big pop of color when sliced loaf-wise seems a little far-fetched to me. Then again she was competing against like five scallop dishes and three porks tenderloin so who knows. At least Nana made it far enough to compete on Last Chance Kitchen.

12. (+1) Brittany

AKA: Mumbles McGillicutty. Biff. The Tortoise.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Pan seared scallops with green daikon, carrot, and saffron broth.

Reviews: “That daikon is white as white can be.” “You wouldn’t know it was a color challenge.”

Take it away, Fabio:

/Obligatory.

Gotta love Mumbles. Every week so far she looks like a lock to go home until someone else screws up just a little bit worse. Honestly, inspiring. I hope she does this every week until she wins. Slow and steady wins the race! (Hence her new nickname, The Tortoise).

This week I had an epiphany when I thought “Wait, maybe Mumbles isn’t actually mumbling, maybe she’s just from Delaware County,” or one of those mid-Atlantic places where the regional accent sounds like someone trying to keep a little saliva in the front of their mouth while moving their jaw side-to-side in a cocaine-y fashion.

Then I looked up her bio and Brittany is actually from Columbus, Ohio. Which is more in the Midwestern quacky vowels belt than in the Mid-Atlantic mushy consonants/coke jaw region. Now she lives in Charlotte. Anyway, so much for that theory.

Then Brittany further revealed that she is a former drug addict who is clean and sober now. And I thought “Wait, now am I an insensitive asshole for pointing out the mumbling thing?”

Whatever, don’t answer that. There was actually a clear “before” and “after” in this challenge, where the judges went from excited and expectant to testy and peeved, and I think you can trace it directly to Brittany’s scallops. She had the sheer gall to give them un-dyed scallops and the mood only soured from there.

11. (even) Sieger Bayer

AKA: The Silver Bullet. SEO. Hansel.

I’m calling Sieger “Hansel” this week, because “I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in what bark was made out of, on a tree,” is something I can totally imagine Sieger saying.

And SEO, because Sieger’s dishes have a way of sounding like a collection of trending terms.

Quickfire Dish: Piccalilli buerre blanc with seared livermush.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Vadouvan poached scallop, turmeric braised daikon, squid ink braised calamari, and onion soubise. (See what I mean?)

Reviews: “As soon as you dug around to take a spoonful, everything became murky again.” “Why don’t you marinate the scallop in the squid ink so that the scallop gets black?”

Oh hey look, another fucking scallop. I’ll spare you the Fabio gif this time.

I actually think the judges kind of sandbagged Sieger this week, since he gave them a beautiful, colorful dish, and the main thrust of their complaint was “when you mix it all together the colors just turn a weird brown!”

Yeah, man, I think we all learned that lesson early on at self-serve snow cone day. Kind of just how colors work.

Anyway, Sieger, Rhoda, Brittany, and Oscar did face masks and matching jammies this week.

Reality TV is back, baby!

10. (even) Justin

AKA: Dangle. Wife Guy. Panthro. Crazylegs. Quad City. Yoga Jack Black.

Notable Quote: “I did a lot of drugs in art school.”

I enjoy that Justin is sticking with the short shorts look. Let the gams breathe, I say! As a fellow gam shower, I respect it. The shorts haters are just jealous of our ground pythons.

I also love the old school photo of Justin:

The open-chested vest?? Hell yeah. My man looks like Criss Angel Mindfreak disguised as an organ grinder. By the way, they used this photo to illustrate Justin’s soundbite about “doing a lot of drugs in art school,” but he’s clearly in a kitchen there.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Lamb and clams with dyed vegetables.

Mmm, a pile of sticks!

Reviews: “They [lamb and clams] rhyme but they don’t go together.” “I had a hard time finding the clams, and then I only got them when I had the texture of clam in my mouth.” -Kristen Kish.

Me, seeing that almost irresistible fodder for an off-color joke about “clams in your mouth.”

Anyway, three episodes in, it’s still hard to know where to rank Justin. He has mostly stayed off the chopping block, but he seems solidly low-middle so far.

9. (even) Jennifer

AKA: Hi Y’all. Bon Voyage. Husband Gal. Fish Bait.

Notable Exchange:

JENNIFER: You doing okay?

JUSTIN: Sure, but I didn’t fall out of a rope swing into a river bank two weeks ago.

Hot damn, do they give an Emmy for Expository Dialogue in a reality show setting? There’s no way that exchange wasn’t scripted. But I’ll forgive it, because when I saw the show teasing Jennifer in a sling for the past few episodes (complete with a clip of an ambulance), not in a million years would I have guessed that the cause of her arm sling would turn out to be “rope swing accident.”

Great work, team. Apparently Jennifer’s 11-year-old nephew dared her to and she was powerless to resist. Nephew pressure is a bitch. Hence Jennifer’s new nickname, Fish Bait.

In the quickfire, Jennifer had to bow out because of shoulder pain and left to “get an X-Ray.”

Hmmm, so… Toradol shot?

When Jennifer inevitably develops a heart condition half way through the competition, everyone is going to come looking for Dr. Harvey Mandrake. But just remember, you were the one who wanted her back in this competition. You were the one who demanded she cook through unbearable trapezoid pain just so you could see your damned shrimp buns and gravy on television. Evil? No. He may have been the one holding the syringe, but we all depressed the plunger.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Pickled shrimp bun with red eye gravy.

Reviews: “I like the shrimp a lot, I do think that the bun fell a little bit short.” “It’s too dense.”

Jennifer’s dish looked pretty good this week, if I’m being honest. And decently colorful too. Apparently she didn’t have time to let the dough rise, and that doomed the whole thing. That’ll happen when you’re still dealing with the after effects of a nephew-related shoulder injury. Still, I can at least envision a world in which Jennifer makes a run once she heals up.

8. (even) Johnathan

AKA: Beef Twin. Thicc Twin. Meat. Brawnathan. GLP-2.

It took me far too long to come up with good nicknames for the two twin dudes who look identical except for one looks like he got on GLP-1s just before the show. I think I’ve finally settled on GLP-1 and GLP-2. Johnathan is the bigger twin, so he gets GLP-2.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Cochinita pibil, hibiscus pickled onion, habanero salad, and guajillo oil.

Reviews: “Aesthetically it is pretty.” “it’s a wonderful start, but maybe the rice could’ve been blue?”

That’s the criticism? You wanted blue rice? Jesus, man, those judges were in a shit mood this week.

7. (-4) Oscar

AKA: Twice In Legal Minute. DJ Buenos Dias. Milky. 311.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Tricolor snapper, corn nuts, and leche de tigre

Reviews: “This might be the least colorful ceviche I’ve ever seen in my life.” “The knife cuts on this are terrible.”

I had Oscar ranked highly last week, and in my heart I still think he’s a favorite, but it’s harder to justify after this week’s performance. Oscar made a ceviche for his elimination challenge dish, and while I cannot agree that this is the least colorful ceviche I’ve seen, it is kind of nice that the judges are as sick of seeing ceviches on this show as I have been for the past five seasons.

Maybe it was the jammies and face masks? Seems like the last thing Oscar needs is to be more relaxed.

6. (+1) Brandon

AKA: GLP-1. Shh.

Notable Quotes: “I’m like literally fangirling right now.”

“I want to help her, but also you have to put the mask on yourself when the plane’s going down.”

“I want to do like a deconstructed lasagna, like a free-form lasagna.”

This, by the way, was Tom Colicchio’s reaction to hearing “free-form lasagna.”

For his part, Emeril just muttered “deconstructed lasagna…” punctuated with a whistle. He did everything but mutter “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.”

I admit, I too thought that sounded like a dopey, wedgy-worthy idea. Deconstructed lasagna… so… like, pasta? Only, surprise surprise, everyone loved it.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Deconstructed lasagna with bolognese, marbled pasta, and whipped ricotta

Reviews: “Delicious.” “I like how much he layered the experience.”

I can’t lie, it looks pretty fantastic. I only wish they would’ve shown us more how he made that pasta.

Brandon’s food looks solid. Less forgivable is him doing the dopey exposition for every bit. Hurrr, I’m fangirling right now!

Reaction shots, act-outs… Between Brandon this week and that Louis Theroux Netflix doc I watched about the manosphere, I’m getting the sense that algorithmic content favors this sort of overeager basicness as a personality type. Careful, you start narrating everything that happens into the camera and you might find that you can’t stop.

My favorite part of that Theroux doc was when a streamer guy starting doing that and Theroux was like “Dude, who are you talking to?”

Many such cases. Anyway, Brandon could stand to tone it down a bit, but his food looks pretty excellent.