Top Chef Power Rankings, Episode 1: Panic at the Speedway

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Top Chef is back, baby! And judging by my subscription numbers, thankfully I’m not the only idiot still watching this show. (For those of you who aren’t, these posts are probably going to seem pretty weird. Sorry about that, sort of.).

As we’ve discussed, this latest season of Top Chef (its 23rd, in its 19th year) has taken the contestants all the way to the Carolinas. Most things are the same (phew!), thought there is a brand new sponsor. Meaning it’s hello, Graza Olive Oil and smell ya later, San Pellegrino.

This season’s twists include:

• two competitors who are life partners (can we say common-law married?)
• two competitors who are identical twins.

Additionally, Last Chance Kitchen doesn’t start for two weeks, so the chefs who are out now are out-out. Supposedly I wouldn’t put a twist past these bastards, would you?

Kristen Kish, Tom Colicchio, and Gail Simmons are all back as hosts, while Padma Lakshmi is off hosting America’s Culinary Cup on CBS. Damn, head-to-head with your old show? Meeyow. That one has quadruple Top Chef’s purse, with a grand prize of one million dollars. Will I cover that one as well? Sources say: maybe.

In the meantime, some Top Chef episode one stats:

Three-named Contestants: 3

Ceviches Prepared: 2

Panic Attacks Narrowly Avoided: 1

Underplayed Slapstick Incidents: 1

I’m not a statistician and I don’t feel like doing any work to justify my superlatives, but I’m going to say that this was the fewest ceviches recorded in a Top Chef premiere since 2014. Is there a raw fish shortage in the Carolinas? Someone check on this.

Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. This being a Carolinas-set season, the first challenge started off by celebrating North Carolina’s greatest export: NASCAR, which I believe stands for the National Association of Superfast Cars going Around Racing. Do not fact-check me!

So, what does a racecar-based food competition look like in practice?

Well, it looks like shooting a challenge at the CHARLOTTE MOTOR SPEEDWAY™, where the chefs would cook on whatever the inside thingy on a racetrack is officially called.

We got some B-roll footage of the judges riding shotgun in the racecars, and when Kristen Kish climbed out of the car window to introduce the challenge, there was a dialogue sting of a contestant asking, “Is that Kristen Kish?”

Gee, you mean the host of the show that you are currently filming? Yep, pretty sure that’s her, bro. Crazy, right?

Kish showed up looking like a minor character from F1, a svelte Tom Colicchio in dark shades and open-collared shirt continued his gradual transformation into Stanley Tucci, and Gail Simmons went full denim in a Canadian onesie, aka a Saskatoon Spacesuit.

She should get an Emmy for trying to piss in that thing.

Meanwhile NASCAR superstars Kyle Busch and Jimmie Johnson were present to guest judge, delivering all of the charisma for which racecar drivers are famously known. By the way, who the hell spells it “Jimmie?” Deranged. (Somewhere in Utah, a prospective mother is currently considering the name “Jimeigh”).

The contestants, split into teams of three, would be cooking anything they wanted, as long as it was made out of the available pantry ingredients, and could be cooked on portable cooking stations on a racetrack. Rather than a “traditional timer,” they would have 23 laps worth of cooking time. And no plating until the last lap!

So, a lap timer, a couple of NASCAR drivers… sure. That doesn’t seem like a lot of NASCAR for a NASCAR challenge, but then how much NASCAR coverage do you really want out of the Bravo network? The rub was that it was really hot (probably explaining the relative dearth of ceviches), and the most NASCAR thing that happened probably came in the segment’s early moments, when one of the contestants managed to get into a spectacular rollover accident… on foot!

This was the best screencap I could get. He actually snapped to his feet pretty quickly after that, which was impressive, though I’m a bit disappointed that we didn’t get three increasingly slow-motion replays from different angles like a Michael Bay movie. Gotta hand it to a guy who can roll a full front somersault while holding a satchel full of knives and still pop back up unharmed. I probably would’ve lost an arm.

After that, the elimination challenge involved that other famous(?) Carolina export, sweet potatoes. Did you know that North Carolina is the US’s number one supplier of sweet potatoes? You do now!

“Let us see who you are as chefs by turning this humble ingredient into a high-end dish. You have one hour,” said Kristen Kish.

Ah yes, “Tell me your life story through the medium of the sweet potato, and also you have less time than it takes to even bake a sweet potato.”

Classic Top Chef. They competed against each other in five rounds of three chefs each, with each round highlighting a different variety of sweet potato.

Now then: onto more stats!

Results:

Quickfire Top:

Oscar, Rhoda Sherry (Purple Team); Day, Duyen, Nana (Yellow Team); Jennifer, Johnathan, Laurence (Blue Team)*.

Quickfire Bottom:

Anthony, Brandon, Sieger (Red Team); Brittany, Jassi, Justin (Green Team).

Elimination Top:

Brandon, Johnathan, Anthony, Rhoda*, Duyen.

Elimination Bottom:

Nana, Justin, Britanny, Jennifer, Day**.

(*Winner. **Eliminated).

Power Rankings

15. (Eliminated) Day

Nicknames: Cynthia Endive-o. Tres.

Notable Quote(s): “There are two Afro-Caribbean restaurants in Atlanta and I opened both of them.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Carolina Ruby (sweet potato) roasted with herbes de provence. Sauce creole, seared and roasted snapper.

Critique(s): “The herbes de provence didn’t enhance it at all.” -Tom. “Herbes de provence is for me a satchel in my underwear drawer.” -Gail

Results: High finish R1; lost round R2; eliminated.

I was pretty excited about chef Day Anais Joseph, one of three three-named cheftestants in this year’s competition. She came out brassy, talking about her background in fashion and pedigree of acclaimed Afro-Caribbean cuisine in the Atlanta area. Easily one of the most camera-ready contestants, she even landed in the top three of the Quickfire challenge, for her team’s harissa-butter poached shrimp (Day made the butter sauce).

But none of that mattered in the end, when Chef Day was flummoxed by a non-functioning stove and a relative lack of pantry herbs. How to show off herb-forward Afro-Caribbean cuisine with a dearth of fresh herbs?? Chef Day tried to compensate with lots of dry herbes de provence, that the judges pretty much universally hated. Gail Simmons said “the herbes de provence is for me a satchel in my underwear drawer,” which is possibly the single most inscrutable critique I’ve heard on this show.

Is “a satchel in my underwear drawer” a common saying in Canada? Or does Gail Simmons keep actual satchels of herbes de provence in her underwear drawer to keep her lingerie smelling like lavender and marjoram? Sort of like Medieval doctors did with masks during the Plague? Either way I’m intrigued. In fact, I think we could’ve used at least 15 more minutes of screen time dedicated to Gail Simmons’ underwear.

You could sort of see where Day was coming from, trying to compensate for the herbs she wanted with the herbes that were available, but also where the judges were coming from since sweet potatoes drowned in herbes de provence does kind of sound like ass. That’s how it goes, I guess. And so now we’re down to two three-named contestants.

14. Brittany

AKA: Mumbles McGillicutty. Biff.

Notable Quote(s): “I’m gonna give it to ya like it straight, but I’m gonna be sweet about it.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Pan-seared pork tenderloin, Covington potato purée, pickled sweet potato.

Critique(s): “Something about it did feel like it was just a pork dish with some sweet potato.”

Results: Low finish R1; Lost round in R2.

Chef Brittany, aka Mumbles McGillitcutty, differentiated herself with her tough girl style and slurry quotes (too much wine between service and confessional, perhaps?), including the one above. “I’m gonna give it to ya like it straight, but I’m gonna be sweet about it.”

It seems like the words are out of order, but I rewound it three times and that was what she said.

Beyond that, Brittany’s most notable screen time probably came during her car ride with Chef Anthony. Brittany had asked where Anthony went to culinary school and he had to remind her that they went to the same one, in the same year, and even lived on the same floor. Oops! Whatever, nerd! Mumbles was too busy partying and being captain of the foodball team to remember every dweeb who sat across from her during tomato rose class!

Anyway, Biff landed in the bottom of both challenges this week, plus she made a pork tenderloin for the final challenge (zzz), so her low ranking here was kind of an easy decision. I do hope for entertainment’s sake that she sticks around.

13. Nana

AKA: Meemaw. Gram-Gram. Three-Too. Crash.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Murasaki mpotopoto with collard greens and smoked ham.

Critique(s): “I actually voted for Nana.” -Tom

Results: High finish R1; Lost round R2.

I’m trying hard not to base all of Nana’s nicknames on the fact that she’s named “Nana,” but it’s hard when you get handed rich material like that. Nana Araba Wilmot (three-named contestant number two!) is a private chef and the proprietor of a West African supper club series in New Jersey. Sadly for her, most of her screen time this episode came when she didn’t get most of her dish on the plate in time and had a bit of a crash out. First she screamed in anger, and then she shook with rage (very relatable).

Kristen Kish managed to sit Nana down and talk her out of a panic attack in a way that was, dare I say it… kind of heartwarming? Hell of an audition for a female version of Queer Eye, in any case. That woman can life coach.

Normally, not finishing your dishes in episode one would be grounds for elimination, but either Tom was feeling fatherly or Nana’s dish was just that good that it didn’t matter that half of it ended up on the floor. I’m inclined to take the show’s depiction at face value, if only because anything that includes the words “smoked ham broth” automatically sounds amazing to me. (Also, great euphemism for your mother’s perspiration).

12. Justin

AKA: Dangle. Panthro. Crazylegs. Wife Guy. Yoga Jack Black.

Notable Quote(s): “My boss followed me here.” “She’s a much better chef than me.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Poached potatoes in curry and cardamom. Cheese sauce.

Results: Low finish R1; Lost R2 (but judges liked it).

Justin Tootla, from Detroit, loves short shorts, is competing on the show alongside his “life partner”/common-law wife, and displayed great agility by turning a tumble into a commando roll in the first five minutes of the show. Later on, when asked to describe his situationship with Chef Jennifer, he said that they’ve been together 16 years, but “she won’t let me put a ring on it.”

Meanwhile, in a different car, Justin’s common-law wife Jennifer said “If he proposed to me I’d say yes.”

Ooh, sounds like you guys have some things you might want to discuss! Though I bet it’s all some kind of complex tax avoidance scheme.

Anyway, mostly Chef Justin reminds me of an alternate universe Jack Black who ran a yoga retreat.

11. Jennifer

AKA: Hi Y’all. Bon Voyage. Husband Gal.

Notable Quote(s): “He’s the short lil’ cute dude over there.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Condensed milk poached sweet potato, goat cheese squash purée, raw pickled potatoes.

Critique(s): “The sweet potato was maybe slightly under, but I just liked the dish.” -Tom.

Results: R1 win; R2 lost round.

Drawlin’ southerner/life partner haver Jennifer Lee Jackson rounds out this season’s three-named contestants. I nicknamed her Hi Y’all for her accent, and Bon Voyage on account of this glorious resort-wear ascot (neckerchief?):

Is that fish and lemon print on that? Damn fine scarf or shawl either way, whatever the case may be. I hope she marries her common-law husband Justin, if only to become “Jennifer Lee Jackson-Tootla.” Excellent mouthfeel on that, I feel like I’m talking through a kazoo when I say it.

There wasn’t much friction between them in episode one, possibly because they ended up together in the losing column of their respective rounds. Jennifer did win her quickfire challenge, and she seemed like the driving force behind improving her team’s hushpuppy, though that could just be my tendency to give southerners all the credit for a hushpuppy talking.

During the elimination challenge, Hi Y’all undercooked her sweet potato, and Tom looked so pissed when he tasted her dish that I thought he might throw a dish at her. But then when he actually described it he claimed to like it, so who knows. In the end-of-episode tease, Jennifer shows up in an arm sling, so I look forward to finding out how that happened. Maybe a sympathetic injury after another one of Justin’s falls? Maybe they have a Dorian Gray situation going on.

10. Jassi

AKA: Punjabi Simon. Sikh and Destroy.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Rice and lentil khichidi.

Critique(s). “This fish is rurrrr,” -Tom.

Results: R1 low; R2 middle.

Even at this early stage of the competition, Jassi Bindra, Top Chef’s first Sikh contestant, has already introduced me to two new Indian dishes: moilee (or fish moolie, per Wikipedia, which sounds like an Italian slur for Norwegians) in the quickfire; and khichidi in the elimination round (“a comforting South Asian dish of rice and lentils cooked together”). So, you know, that’s nice.

Unfortunately for him, the moilee was accompanied by undercooked snapper in the quickfire and the khichidi was overshadowed by a better dish in the elimination challenge. That’s just how the khichidi crumbles.

Not much more to note about Jassi other than that, except that he reminds me of a Punjabi Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Probably there’s a better nickname in there for that, but I haven’t found it yet.

9. Sherry Cardoso

AKA: Sleepy.

Notable Quotes: “I come from a LINEAGE of Michelin kitchens.” “I grew up in Brazil, baby. I don’t sweat, I glow.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Carolina Ruby moqueca with green papaya chow chow.

Results: R1 high. R2 middle.

Chef Sherry Cardoso is from BRAH-SEEYU. As always, if you don’t know whether someone is from Brazil, just wait. They’ll tell you. I nicknamed her Sleepy, because her last name is Cardoso, which is the punchline to a joke about a Brazilian who falls asleep in a car. She served up a “Carolina Ruby moqueca with green papaya chow-chow” in the elimination round. I don’t know what most of that means but if you ever say it to my face we’re going to fight.

8. Sieger

AKA: The Silver Bullet.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Seared and roasted onion jus and sweet potato purée.

Results: R1 low, R2 middle.

“Sieger Bayer,” out of Chicago, is arguably this year’s most creatively-named contestant. Dude will never know how close he came to being named “Mellencamp.” Other than that he seems like a skinny hipster whose resume includes stints at etta and Sqirl (sic). Ten years ago, every contestant on Top Chef would’ve been a version of Sieger. Sieger looks like if Spike Mendelsohn majored in gender studies at Wellesley.

7. Laurence

AKA: Punch Out. Larry Louie. LL. L Train. The Boxer.

Notable Quote(s): “I’m Chinese-American but my roots in cooking is always Turkish food.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Murasaki and pork sarma (stuffed collard green) with tomato and yogurt.

Critique(s): “The tomato was so overpowering you couldn’t get any of the sweet potato.”

Results: R1 win; R2 middle.

Wait, did I say Sieger Bayer was the most memorable name in the competition? “Laurence Louie” is up there too. I’m calling this guy Punch Out because he looks like a character on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. His name even sounds like a Punch Out character. He even kind of looks like an 8-bit animation. The Boxer is a separate nickname, based on him kind of looking like the dog breed.

Larry Louie seems like the contestant I would most want to hang out with, and “Chinese guy who cooks Turkish food” is perhaps the most intriguing niche of any of the chefs. His sweet potato and pork collard green roll looked amazing (one of three or four dishes about which I wrote “looks bomb” in my notes), but the judges didn’t seem so impressed with it. Maybe Eric Adams can bribe some people to get this guy a vertical grill.

6. Oscar

AKA: Twice in Legal Minute.

Notable Quote(s): “I just wanna represent!”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Deconstructed hash with braised purple majesty with agave chorizo hash and pasilla salsa.

Results: R1 high; R2 middle.

Oscar Diaz is a jolly Mexican dude from Chicago and this might be a “me” thing, but every time I hear his voice he reminds me of the “twice in legal minute??” guy.

That’s one of those videos that will never leave my stupid brain.

Anyway, Oscar’s deconstructed hash with purple sweet potato and chorizo looked fantastic to me (another dish I wrote “looks bomb” about in my notes), but he ended up overshadowed by a dude who made a sugar syrup out of sweet potato skins. Sometimes it do be like that. Not even bomb-ass Mexican food can compete with sorcery.

5. Johnathan

AKA: Beef Twin. Thicc Twin. Meat. Brawnathan.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Grilled pork loin with Carolina Ruby bacon jam.

Results: R1 high; R2 won round.

Johnathan (his parents deserve prison time for that H) Dearden was instantly memorable on account of being one of the two identical twins competing this season, along with his brother, Brandon. Both of them seem affable and incredibly camera ready (apparently Brandon has a big following on Instagram), and they’re hard to tell apart on account of both being bald (usually with twins you can switch up the hairstyles), but the best way I can differentiate them is that Johnathan is the thiccer one. (The H stands for HGH).

They’re a bit tough to rank, since Meat had two high finishes to Brandon’s one, but I’m giving the edge to Brandon on account of having the more memorable elimination challenge dish. Anyway, not much else to report about Brawnathan beyond that, though I look forward to a season of twin-related hijinks. Maybe Johnathan can put on Brandon’s chef coat and split it down the back? That would be cool.

4. Brandon

AKA: Broccoli Twin. Slim.

Notable Quote(s): “I’m not here to play patty cake.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Sweet potato caramel, caramelized coconut and white chocolate sorbet, streusel and meringue.

Critique(s): “You actually made marshmallow fluff?” -Tom. “It felt like amplified sweet potato to me.”

Results: R1 low; R2 won round.

Brandon, the diet twin, wins weirdest dish award this week. He did a riff on candied yams that included an EZ Cheez-style squirt of marshmallow fluff-inspired sorbet, a caramel made from sweet potato skins (!!!) (???), and some kind of a streusel that was also made from sweet potatoes. I don’t know how you do any of that, I think he might be a witch. This dude is to sweet potatoes what the Comanche are to a buffalo. He’s probably dying his clothes and making soaps with different parts of the sweet potato as we speak.

Even Tom looked positively delighted with Brandon’s space dish, which seems extra crazy on account of I would’ve bet money that Tom Colicchio hated marshmallows. Full of surprises, that guy. (Btw, marshmallows are absolute trash). Brandon is also a pastry chef, and they always seem to do well in this competition. You’d think the heftier twin would be the chocolate guy, but no.

3. Duyen

AKA: Banh Amelie. Resume. Bondle.

Elimination Challenge Dish: Norton Sweet potato and pandan mochi.

Results: R1 high; R2 won round.

“Duyen Ha” sounds like a Greta Gerwig movie, but Vietnamese-American Duyen looks more like Amelie to me. Hence the name Banh Amelie. Whatever, it’s a pun, fuck you.

During the episode, Duyen also revealed that she used to work as a chef for a NASCAR team at one point. Who knew that was even thing? I was picturing Jimmie Johnson trying to dunk an imperial roll in nuoc cham while he was driving. Come to think of it, that would’ve been a cooler challenge. Chefs get graded partly on their food, and partly on how well their driver finished in a race while driving one handed and eating. I definitely think I deserve a trophy for crushing In N Out animal fries while speeding down the freeway.

Anyway, Duyen’s official bio says that she is also “the founder of BONDLE, a French wine and Champagne brand.”

BONDLE. I can’t stop saying that. BONDLE BONDLE BONDLE.

Would you like to try some French champagne? It scored 96 points on BONDLE.

In any case, I’m ranking Duyen pretty high here, partly because her mochi looked amazing (she made that in an hour???) and mostly because I like saying BONDLE.

2. Anthony

AKA: The Ringer.

Notable Quote(s): “I went the same year as you. We were on the same floor!”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Seared scallop with Murasaki accra, fondant, and jus.

Critique(s): “The fritter tastes like a really well done falafel.”

Results: R1 low; R2 won round.

I’m nicknaming Anthony Jones The Ringer because he looks like a guy who would write for TheRinger. I’m mostly going with my gut in ranking Anthony number two, since he did finish low in the quickfire. But he has that nerdy vibe that always seems to presage success in this competition. Also, when he said he was making “a trio” during elimination challenge preparation, I actually shouted “Idiot!” at my TV.

And then he came out and almost won the thing. He somehow made a fondant, jus, and some kind of sweet potato falafel in an hour. How the hell did he do it? Most of his dish looked so good that I can’t even really bash him for serving Top Chef’s 37 millionth seared scallop.

/requisite scallop gif.

1. Rhoda (Episode Winner)

AKA: Wallflower.

Notable Quote: “I want you to remember my name.”

Elimination Challenge Dish: Soy-glazed covington, with miso sweet potato purée and lime creme fraiche.

Critique(s): “We really tasted Rhoda’s story here.”

Results: R1 high; R2 winner.

Every season on Top Chef there’s at least one really quiet chef who doesn’t seem to get much camera time, and in this first episode that was Rhoda Magbitang, a diminutive Filipina chef who works in Hawaii. A lot of times the lack of camera time is just a result of someone not being the most dynamic personality — or maybe just being a small chill Filipino-Hawaiian who’s not going to jump off the screen in a room that also includes a married couple and identical twins with one who’s an influencer. Yet this time around I also had to wonder if the Top Chef producers were downplaying Rhoda early on to make her seem less like the obvious favorite. DISCUSS.

I didn’t include all the dishes in this recap, but I had to include Rhoda’s because hot DAMN that looks good:

This is one of those times where dish description drastically undersells things. “Soy-glazed covington, with miso sweet potato purée and lime creme fraiche.”

I would fire the menu writer. Nowhere in that description does it say that there’s some sort of tempura deal on top. That’s like the main thing I would want to know! Fry me to the moooooon…

Rhoda said the dish was inspired by kamote cue, “a deep-fried caramelized sweet potato” served on skewers, a common street food in the Philippines, per the internet.

The judges raved “we really tasted Rhoda’s story here,” which was funny, because I immediately imagined Steve Martin at the beginning of The Jerk saying “I was born a small deep fried sweet potato.” Maybe a Hemingway short story? Miso sweet potato, never pureed.

Anyway, I hope Rhoda does more stuff soon because she’s not giving me much nickname fodder at the moment. She could have a breakdown, or steal someone’s pea puree, or kill a guy. I’m just spitballin’ here.

NEXT WEEK’S TEASE

According to the sting at the end of the episode, some of the things it seems we’ll be getting later on this season include:

• White water rafting!
• Whole hog BBQ!
• Hot peppers!
• Serving liver to children!
• Ziplines!
• Fishing!
• “Celebrities” I couldn’t pick out of a line up!
• Emeril Lagasse!
• Fortune Feimster! (That’s a person’s name!)

And my personal favorite, Tom Colicchio chugging a drink out of a woman’s shoe:

Tom Colicchio doing a shoey?! Are they going to Australia for the finale? Did Tom Colicchio score his first rugby try? This looks far too clean for a shoey, when I shot the boot it had beer filtered through a man’s ass crack and was full of hot sauce. Guess I’ll save that story for my therapist. Either way I don’t think a shoey is supposed to be something that would give Quentin Tarantino a boner.