Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 8: What's So Civil About Restaurant War, Anyway

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Last week gave us probably the most extensive Restaurant Wars teaser ever on Top Chef, complete with laying out the rules and choosing the teams. And so all that was left to do at the top of this week’s episode was to explain what the hell happened with Sieger.

Long story short, my theory from last week was proven correct. They needed a chef to jump into Restaurant Wars right away, and Justin opted to go to the Emergency Room with Jennifer instead, so the producers tapped Sieger. He wasn’t on Last Chance Kitchen because they clearly filmed those in a single block just before the LCK finale, which was this week. Time and space, what do they mean? Pf, this is reality TV! Time and space are what we say it is!

It was a little obnoxious a few weeks ago when Tom Colicchio said “something SUPER WEIRD happened, but all will be revealed next week,” and then the next week came and went and things only got more confusinger. How “weird” one chef having to go home because of Bell’s Palsy actually is, I’ll leave up to the reader. But, I suppose, it can be hard to keep your storylines straight when you’re manipulating time and space.

(*flies by in biplane, scarf trailing behind*) Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnyyyyyywaaaayyyyyyy…..

It was a Restaurant Wars episode, and we know how those go by now. This year’s new wrinkles included: 100 diners, starting 36 hours before service, the restaurants having to accept takeout orders, and a three-course menu with two options per course.

I actually liked this year’s format. It felt like the focus was more on the food and the service. Sometimes in past years they’ve devoted 10 minutes of screen time to teams choosing decor and silverware, and honestly, who really cares? Save that shit for HGTV. This year was all about hectic service and trying to push out good food while dealing with idiot servers. I’ve worked on both sides of the kitchen and it’s honestly hard to say which side screws up more; you kind of both do and it’s all a blur and then service is over. Everyone smokes cigarettes and has sex with each other, you forget everything that happened during service and prepare to do it all again the next night.

What I really want to know is how In N Out Burger allows infinite customization and never screws up an order. I’ve eaten there probably 1,000 timess and I can’t remember them ever having messed something up. Do they beat their employees? We should hire an In N Out manager to run the government.

Anyway, this year’s Restaurant Wars did have the hook of, much like the Civil War, pitting brother against brother. Identical twins, even! And they were also on the same team! Two copies of the same DNA, divided against itself, cannot stand.

Oh, and last week, Kristen Kish teased that the prize for this week’s winner would be “epic.” Ooh, an “epic prize,” what could it be??

The answer:

“…An exclusive vacation for you and a guest to Universal Orlando Resorts’ four amazing theme parks, including the all-new Universal Epic Universe. And a one-of-kind meet and greet with the Universal Orlando culinary team.”

Wow, a trip to Orlando and a meet and greet with the culinary team of a theme park? So that this crew of Michelin star and James Beard-winning chefs can ask “So, what’s it like designing menus for Temu Disney adults and prediabetic children with sunburns?”

If it were me I would make a point of only talking to the churro guy. You know he’s got some stories.

The Restaurant Wars Breakdown

When it came time to choose names and concepts, it became clear that after all their time in Charlotte, the chefs had clearly only retained one fact: that Charlotte was named for a queen. Sort of like how the only thing I retained from high school biology is that the mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. And so we got “Carolina Queen” and “Tierra Reina.” (That latter one being literally “Queen Earth”).

If there was a big drawback this year it was that both teams seemed like they did pretty well. Other than a couple servers not knowing table numbers and one team being slow to push out entrees, there wasn’t much in terms of memorable screw-ups.

Team: Carolina Queen

Concept: “Elevated Southern Comfort.”

Front of House: Duyen.
Executive Chef: Anthony.
Line Cook: Laurence.
Prep Cook: Sherry.

Course One:

She-Crab Cake with She-Crab Bisque (Sherry)

Reviews: “I really loved Sherry’s Dish, those pickles gave it that nice sweet tang toit.” “The flavors are really good, they’re bright, everything pops.”

Cheese Puff with Pimento Cheese and Country Ham (Duyen)

Reviews: “The flavor is great, and the liquid cheese in the center I actually like a lot.”

Course Two:

Red Rice with Seafood Bearnaise (Anthony)

Reviews: “It’s not supposed to be mushy.” “No, it’s over.” “A little too much sauce and a little too much okra.” “There’s just so much… goo, it’s like a mozzarella stick.”

Crispy Pork Belly with Collards, Corn Bread and Pickles (Laurence)

Review: “It’s very hard to cut the skin. I think we just gotta pick it up.” “I don’t mind the skin. But the dish, it’s just okay.”

Course Three:

‘PB&J’ with Peanut Panna Cotta, Compressed Fruits, and Cheerwine Jelly (Sherry)

Reviews: “It’s almost eating like frosting, and I meant that in a very complimentary way.”

Sweet Rubies Pecan Baklava with Maple Bourbon Syrup (Laurence)

Reviews: “The flavor is there, the idea is there, it’s just a little execution.”

Highlights: Cheesepuffs, Crab Cake

Lowlights: Red Rice

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Team: Tierra Reina

Concept: “Latino-Driven with Southern Appreciation.”

Front of House: Oscar.
Executive Chef: Sieger.
Line Cook: Brandon.
Prep Cook: Johnathan.

Course One:

Snapper Aguachile Verde (Johnathan)

Reviews: “A really refreshing way to start the dinner, and I like the plantain chip.”

Sweet Potato Tostada with Crema and Salsa Negra (Sieger)

Reviews: '“I really want just a sauce or something else to bring it all together.” “I don’t like the presentation. It felt really messy.”

Course Two:

Cod Pescado a la Veracruzana with stewed tomatoes, castelvetrano olives, and capers (Johnathan)

Reviews: “It’s a good dish.” “It’s cooked beautifully.”

“Tongue and Cheek Barbacoa” Wrapped in Collard Greens, Duo of Salsa (Oscar)

Reviews: “Oscar’s dish, I would come back to this restaurant for over and over again.” “Sophisticated in ways that I don’t think I’ve seen in any of his dishes so far.”

Course Three:

“Crémeuxso” with Crema Catalana and Benne Seed Cracker (Sieger)

Reviews: “I find the cremeux itself to be grainy and... I dunno, I’m not enjoying it.” “Flavor-wise, it’s okay, it’s just not a dessert.” “There’s no elegance to the plating.”

Arroz con Leche with Cheerwine Gel (Brandon)

Reviews: “I’m getting a lot of inconsistently cooked rice.” “There’s like clumps of uncooked rice.” “This was a big letdown.” “It’s not good.”

Highlights: Barbacoa, Pescado.

Lowlights: Arroz con Leche, Cremeux.

For me the most infuriating moment of the episode was seeing the flat, wide clamshell container that they chose to put the aguachile in, with the fried plantain just stuck right in there with no barrier. COME ON, MAN!! Put that in a soup container with the plantain in some plastic wrap! I could feel the anger of a thousand spilled takeout meals welling inside of me.

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Results:

Winner: Carolina Queen (Laurence, Anthony, Duyen*, Sherry)

Loser: Tierra Reina (Oscar, Sieger, Brandon**, Johnathan)

(*Winner. **Eliminated.)

Power Rankings

8. (-3) ((Eliminated)) Brandon

AKA: GLP-1. Broccoli Twin. Slim. B-Train. New Danny. Shh.

Ranking History: 5 6 6 6 7 7 3.

Dish(es): Arroz con Leche with Cheerwine Gel

Notable Quote: “I’m just hammering away at these balls.”

Brandon’s Influencer Humiliation Tour continued this week with him 1. getting sent home, 2. before his twin brother, which Brandon freely admitted that he found particularly humiliating. At first I wanted to see Brandon fall on his face, but the more times it kept happening the more I started to feel bad for him. This week was more of the same, though I couldn’t really argue with the judges’ choice either.

Brandon only made one dish, which was rice pudding, which turned out to be the judges’ least favorite. The point was made, and it was a good one, that if you’re only going to make a rice pudding, it better be perfect. Instead he ended up with “clumps of undercooked rice,” which even the presumably hand-picked Top Chef superfan diners pilloried ruthlessly.

C’mon, man, you’re a trained pastry chef! Brandon could’ve done some kind of cake he’d done a thousand times before and won the competition for his team going away. Ah, well. Alas. Hindsight, and so forth.

Brandon said his inspiration for the dish was the rice pudding the twins’ nanny always used to make for them — with the raisins on the top, so that they could pick them out, because they didn’t like raisins. It was supposed to be a cute story, but mostly I just thought, “A nanny?? Ooh la la, did she serve the princes their perfect puddings atop a silk pillow? Little Lords Fauntleroy can’t fit any raisins, they’re too full from the caviar!”

We know that the executive chef of the losing team usually goes home, so it was fitting that Brandon went home since, while he was officially the line cook, he was actually the de facto team leader and chose everyone’s assignment for them. Brandon spent so much time managing and assisting (and yelling at his brother) that he forgot his own dish. Hoisted by his own bossypants, you could say. Tale as old as time.

7. (+3) Sieger

AKA: The Silver Bullet. SEO. Hansel. Spade. Veruca Salt.

Ranking History: 10 7 8 11 11 8.

Dish(es): Sweet Potato Tostada with Crema and Salsa Negra; “Crémeuxso” with Crema Catalana and Benne Seed Cracker

Sieger, back from the dead, snuck through by the skin of his teeth this week. The judges bashed his tostada for imperfect presentation and basically hated his dessert (though the “cremeuxso” play on words is so terrible that I kind of love it). I can sort of understand the tostada thing. Presentation vs. convenience is always an issue with a tostada. It always looks so pretty, with all the toppings piled atop a crispy tortilla, but then you can’t really share it or take a single bite without the foundation fracturing and everything going everywhere.

Sieger’s innovation was to break the rounds into quarters for easier eating (points for trying to solve that) but then he got bashed for bad presentation and not having a schmear on the bottom. I can’t really defend the lack of a schmear. Maybe could’ve gone with a sweet potato purée there?

You could make the case that Sieger had two lackluster dishes to Brandon’s one, but the judges went the other way and gave Sieger credit for doing more (you never know which way those capricious bastards are going to lean with that one). Nonetheless I was glad to see it as I’ve come to appreciate Sieger’s David Spade-esque snark. When Brandon dropped “I’m just hammering away at these balls,” Sieger was the only person to hit him with a “…pause.”

That’s the kind of sexual innuendo acknowledgement we desperately need on a show that no longer has Padma around to make absolutely everything sound like a sex pun. That woman could read my car’s instructional manual and make it sound horny.

6. (+1) Johnathan

AKA: Big Twin Big Twin. Thicc Twin. Meat. Brawnathan. H Bomb. GLP-2.

Ranking History: 7 7 8 9 8 8 5.

Dish(es): Snapper Aguachile Verde; Cod Pescado A La Veracruzana with stewed tomatoes, castelvetrano olives, and capers.

Say what you will about Brandon perhaps getting a raw deal these past few episodes, Johnathan does seem distinctly like the more likable twin. Even when his brother was furious about his slow prep, Johnathan just kind of owned it. I assume this is just the dynamic that developed to keep them from killing each other, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have another version of me around.

Either way, this now puts me in the awkward position of having to defend a guy who made Top Chef’s 857th aguachile. Shout out to Gail for being the first judge to acknowledge how often people make goddamned ceviches on this show.

Johnathan has been solid if unspectacular for a lot of this season, and this week, that was enough. Johnathan also noted “I haven’t done knife work like this in years. I got people that do that for me!”

Wow, a nanny and people to cut your meat for you? I didn’t realize these Dearden brothers were so regal.

5. (+1) Oscar

AKA: Twice In Legal Minute?! DJ Buenos Dias. Milky. 311.

Ranking History: 6 5 5 4 6 3 7

Dish(es): Tongue and Cheek Barbacoa Wrapped in Collard Greens, Duo of Salsa.

Every week it gets harder and harder to differentiate Oscar from various stoner friends I had in high school.

Oscar was chosen as Front of the House manager for team Tierra Reina. Where Duyen’s approach to the same job was competent, professional, slightly corporate; Oscar went with “I’m going take this opportunity to try out my best dad jokes for an audience who can’t leave.”

Here’s a due of screencaps to illustrate how that went:

You ever notice that at a certain level of ingratiating, “friendly service” starts to resemble a hostage situation? “Hi, I’m Oscar. I just wanted to let you know that no one is getting their food until they laugh at my jokes.”

Jokes? Bad. Barbacoa? Amazing. In fact, Oscar’s barbacoa was so good that no one even noticed how bad his attempt at a story to explain it was. Something about how the duo of salsas represented the duality of being Mexican-American, where you’re never quite Mexican enough and you’re never quite American enough. Luckily the judges barely heard it over the sounds of themselves scarfing it down. That did look like an amazing dish.

Probably I was the ideal audience for it (as the food editor for Fresnoland, and a long-time proponent of the idea that the cheeks and the tongue are the best parts of the cow), but that tongue-and-cheek barbacoa sounded like the best thing on either menu by a mile. I would pity-laugh at least three terrible dad jokes to eat that barbacoa.